(Part One by Nathan Stout)
[EXT – NIGHT – VAN]
(The Agents finish warming up the Power-Removal-O’Matic 4000, and point it at Chris and Nathan.)
PROFESSOR: All right, go ahead and zap them.
CHRIS: Really? Zap them? Don’t you have a degree or something? Couldn’t you have come up with something a little more eloquent than that?
(Nathan jumps in, trying to stall for time.)
NATHAN: Yeah! I mean… can’t you give some little speech or something? Can you spill the beans about your plans since we can no longer be a threat to you?
ANGELINA: Well Professor, we can spill the beans then I can kill them.
PROFESSOR: This isn’t a movie. We try to have as little collateral damage as possible in the real world.
(Chris’s mind flashes back to all the explosions, gun battles, and general mayhem of the last couple of days.)
CHRIS: Um hum. Sure.
PROFESSOR: We will remove your powers and dump you out here. Don’t bother trying anything because you will be irrelevant after this.
(Paul steps over to the machine and presses the button.)
PAUL: Zapping in progress.
(The machine lights up and Chris and Nathan start moving back and forth as if to dodge unseen fingers poking them.)
NATHAN (weezing): Stop!
CHRIS: (cackling): Noooo!
ANGELINA: What’s happening to them?
NATHAN: Iiiiiit tickles!
(The two continue moving about as the beam zaps them. Nathan is laughing so hard he passes out. The beam powers down.)
PAUL: That’s all she wrote.
PROFESSOR: Get them out of here.
QUINCY: My boss wants them.
PROFESSOR: Who? That mad man with the stubby fingers?
QUINCY: Yes. He has been looking for these two for a long time.
PROFESSOR: They are of no use to us now. He can have them if he wants them. He can pick them up here.
(The Professor nods to AGENT 3, and Chris and the unconscious Nathan are kicked out of the back of the van as Quincy dials his boss).
QUINCY: Boss? They are in front of their building. Is that a slot machine I hear in the background?
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Nevermind that. Get them back to my lair.
QUINCY: I can’t. I’m with my newest contract and it’s big time glass breaking time. You know I can’t pass that up.
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Arrrggg fine! I’m at… my other hideout and can’t make it ’til end of shift so they will just have to wait. I know where they are now so time is on my side. Mwahahahaaaaaaaaaaa.
[EXT – NIGHT – INFRONT OF THE DESTROYED ATW HQ]
(Chris gently slaps Nathan to wake him up, but Nathan is having a wonderful dream of riding on a magic carpet with the crew of Red Dwarf. Chris slaps him much harder and Nathan wakes up.)
NATHAN: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
CHRIS: Help me get out of these.
(Nathan backs up to Chris and eventually unties Chris. Chris then unties Nathan).
NATHAN: What happened?
CHRIS: They took our powers away permanently.
NATHAN: Good. I’ve had enough of this crap. I wanna go home. Do you realize what time it is?!
CHRIS: Where’s Miguel?
(End of Part One)
(Part Two by Chris McGinty)
CHRIS: Bwa ha ha! You have fallen right into my evil trap!
NATHAN: What?
CHRIS: Somebody had to say it.
NATHAN: That was one of the biggest disconnects… well, ever.
CHRIS: So we have no powers. Quincy is about to unleash some major glass breaking. Paul, Angelina, and the professor are up to all their shenanigans. What are we going to do?
NATHAN: I’m going to go home and mow my lawn.
CHRIS: No! No! No! No!
NATHAN: What do you care about Quincy and Paul and all them? They were going to do that stuff that they’re going to do anyway. The only reason we were ever involved is because you had the power of speed that they wanted to utilize.
CHRIS: I don’t care about them. But you’re not going home to mow your lawn. It the middle of the night for one thing. And for another thing, we’re going to see Rick Springfield in concert.
NATHAN: Rick Springfield? The last thing I want is to hear him play “Jesse’s Girl” for an hour.
CHRIS: He has other songs.
NATHAN: Listen, I hate to burst you bubble, but there is nothing you can say that will get me to go see Rick Springfield in concert.
CHRIS: He’s playing at the casino.
NATHAN: Unless you say he’s playing at the casino.
(A montage starts. We see Nathan as a young boy peering excitedly through a hole in a circus tent. He seems excited by what he sees. The camera pans back to show that the tent has a sign that says, “Slot Machines.” There is a crowd of boys looking through holes in the tent to the right. That tent says, “Dancing Girls.”
(Next, we see Nathan as a teenager in school. All the kids in his class have comic books hidden in their textbooks. Nathan has a book called, “Ways to Improve You Mojo to Score Big at Gambling; circa 1967.”
(Next, we see Nathan as a young adult. He seems to be in ecstasy as his girlfriend’s hand moves back and forth rapidly. The camera pans back and we see that both of Nathan’s arms are broken and in casts. His girlfriend, who looks very bored, is pulling the handle on the slot machine for him.
(Next, we see Nathan paying a stripper a lot of money to take him to the back room… where, of course, there is a poker tournament going on.
(Next we see Nathan dusting off his sparkling collection of British TV shows…)
NATHAN: That’s part of another montage.
CHRIS: It’s ok. It allowed for the passage of time in the story, and now we’re almost at the casino, riding in your truck after we called Miguel at the hospital, pretended that we cared if he was ok, had him come pick us up, tried to convince him to go see Rick Springfield with us…
NATHAN: With you. I’m gambling this payday loan I got before we left.
CHRIS: We’ll see. Where was I? Oh, tried to convince him to see Rick Springfield, listened to a pointless diatribe about how he’s two weeks behind on force.net updates because of us, and finally convinced him to take us to your truck, at least.
Nathan: Those were good time…
CHRIS: And then busted his balls about how he owed us each a chocolate sundae since he got ice cream at the hospital, at which point he told us that he didn’t have his tonsils out, to which I responded that he must have had a vasectomy because he was being a dick, and then he said something about that not even making sense.
NATHAN: But we did get the sundaes.
CHRIS: Oh, of course we got the sundaes. I have the gift of unshakeable logic.
NATHAN: You whined and threatened to pee in his backseat.
CHRIS: But we did get the sundaes.
NATHAN: Oh, of course we got the sundaes.
[INT – NIGHT – LOSESTAR CASINO]
(Chris walks in first, looks around, sees a casino employee, and approaches him. He slips a hundred dollar bill into his hand as they shake hands.)
CHRIS: Good evening, Garrett. You’ll note my friend Nathan coming in here. He’ll be wanting to gamble. I need you to make sure he finds his way to the Rick Springfield show.
GARRETT: Of course, sir.
NATHAN: Sheesh. The way you were running, you seem more eager to lose you money than me.
CHRIS: I just wanted to hit a few slot machines before the show starts. Are you sure you don’t want to see Rick Springfield with me?
NATHAN: Nope. I have my eye on some flavorfully themed machines that all actually have one theme: to make me a poor man.
[INT – NIGHT – LOSESTAR AUDITORIUM]
NATHAN: Wow, Garrett, there are a lot of people here for the VIP poker tournament.
CHRIS: Hi, Nathan.
NATHAN: Wait, aren’t you at the show, Chris?
(Chris smiles and Nathan has a look of comprehension spread across his face.)
NATHAN: Garrett!
GARRETT: I should get back to work now.
CHRIS: I got you a t-shirt.
(Nathan looks at the shirt. It has Rick Springfield’s face on the front, and on the back it says, “I Do Have Other Songs than Jesse’s Girl Tour.”)
NATHAN: I might as well make the best of it.
(It’s then that Rick Springfield takes the stage. While Chris and Nathan enjoy their show, let’s check in on Ole Pillowcase Head.
[INT – NIGHT – OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD’S CAR]
(Ole Pillowcase Head is driving up to the site of the now destroyed According To Whim HQ. He’s not wearing the Hangman’s costume, but we only see the back of his head (a totally wasted motif in this format). His cell phone rings. He looks at it. It says, “Garrett.” He answers.)
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Haven’t I had enough of you for a night?
GARRETT: I thought that being a dickhead was just a customer service. Listen, you’ll never guess who is here.
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: I’m guessing it’s the same two who are supposed to be tied up in the ropes that I see here on the ground.
GARRETT: Chris and Nathan.
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Fuck. Ok, I’ll be back there in an hour. Don’t let them leave.
[INT – NIGHT – LOSESTAR AUDITORIUM]
(Chris is trying to bop ‘til he drops within the constraints of crudely arranged folding chairs. Rick Springfield is in the middle of one of his many other hits. Nathan is singing along.)
NATHAN (singing): We all need! The Healing Touché.
(Chris stops dancing.)
NATHAN (singing): We all need! The Healing Touché.
CHRIS: Um, Nathan…
NATHAN (singing): I need it! The Healing Touché.
(Nathan turns to Chris and points at him rhythmically.)
NATHAN (singing): We all need it!
CHRIS: Yeah, I need it too. Nathan, it’s actually called “Human Touch.”
(Nathan looks at Chris, a little perplexed.)
NATHAN: Really? What a dumb song!
[INT – NIGHT – LOSESTAR CASINO]
(We see the back of Ole Pillowcase Head walking through the casino. He walks up to Garrett.)
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Where are they?
GARRETT: They went home right after the Rick Springfield show.
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: What!? I told you to keep them here.
GARRETT: Chris paid me $100 to convince Nathan that his lawnmower was injured in a hunting accident.
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Fuck. I’m going to need an oil change tomorrow after all this driving.
(End Episode Twenty-Two)