(Part One by Nathan Stout)
[INT – VAN – DAY]
(Nathan and Chris are pursuing Angelina down the road and suddenly their reality is changing, leading them to suspect Larry is with her.)
NATHAN: Hold on!
CHRIS: Weeeeeee!
(The van plunges into a river of Dr. Peeper. When he clears his face, Nathan realizes he and Chris are holding paddles and are in a yellow raft, rushing down a river after Angelina’s van.)
NATHAN: Oh man!
(Chris is paddling and cupping handfuls of Dr. Peeper out of the river at the same time.)
NATHAN: Keep paddling! This is just a dream-state. We are still driving down the road.
(The raft is suddenly a roller coaster at Six Flags. The van is just ahead on the tracks doing loop-de-loops and such.)
CHRIS: Ahhhh!
NATHAN: Ahhhh!
CHRIS: This is great! It’s like being on drugs or something!
NATHAN: Ahhhh!
(Larry appears behind Chris in the roller coaster with a huge pair of scissors. He quickly cuts a lock of Chris’s long hair.)
CHRIS: Hey!
(Larry vanishes. The van is back where it is supposed to be, but soon swerves off the road when all four tires blow out, thanks to something Larry just dumped out of the back of Angelina’s van. Nathan struggles to regain his sense of direction and control of the van.)
NATHAN: Shit!
(The van comes to a stop on the side of the road, torn wheels flapping.)
CHRIS: That one is getting told to the kids one day!
NATHAN: What is going on?!
CHRIS: Angelina Larry-napped Reece.
NATHAN: Why did Ree… I mean Larry stop us?
CHRIS: Maybe Angelina was forcing him to do it.
NATHAN: She was driving.
CHRIS: I think someone might have been making him do it. Why else would he put a river of Dr. Peeper in our way? Why not just water?
NATHAN: What about the hair cutting?
CHRIS: Now that one is beyond me. Unless he was just wanting a souvenir of me… I mean, who wouldn’t?
(Nathan starts rummaging around in the glove box.)
NATHAN: Here we go.
(Nathan pulls out a XXX Auto Club card.)
NATHAN: We need to get to a phone. Man it stinks in here.
CHRIS: All my precious Dr. Peeper spilled when we skidded. Not to worry, only forty-nine cents and we will be as good as new.
(Less than an hour later, the XXX Auto Club repair truck pulls up. The Grrrls get out, all dressed in workman’s outfits.)
NATHAN: Oh man!
(Nathan starts bouncing up and down on the seat in delight).
CHRIS: Whoa boy! This might be a trap.
NATHAN: I’d take a broken bone or two to be between that cleavage once more.
(Grrrl 1 taps on the side window. Nathan rolls down the window.)
NATHAN: Are you here to kidnap us?!
GRRRL1: No, we are changing out your fucking tires, nutsack.
(Nathan passes out at the comment.)
CHRIS: You will have to excuse dear Nathan. He is a little excited to see you guys again.
GRTRL1: What’s that smell?!
CHRIS: Oh, that’s my Peeper.
(Grrrl1 looks down and back up at Chris).
GRRRL 1: Just sit tight, we will be done soon.
(The van starts bouncing up and down as the Grrrls jack it up and speedily replace the tires. Nathan wakes up just as it all ends.)
NATHAN: What happened?
CHRIS: You just missed the Grrrls jacking us.
(End of Part One)
(Part Two by Chris McGinty)
CHRIS: Yep. I’m in control now.
NATHAN: Quiet you.
CHRIS: I can take this in whatever crazy direction I want.
NATHAN: Uh huh, I know.
CHRIS: You know why? Cos, I’m in control.
NATHAN: Shut up!
CHRIS: Sheesh. Grouchy.
NATHAN: Just embarrassed that I acted so pubescent back there and passed out, and am not recovered enough to drive a van.
CHRIS: Yep. I’m in control.
NATHAN: I’m aware!
[EXT – DAINTY PINES ASSISTED LIVING CENTER – DAY]
(Chris and Nathan walk to the game table. They find the rest of their group playing Boggle. They seem to be in a debate about a word.)
MIGUEL: Jedi is a word. It’s recognized by spell check.
OLIVER: It ern’t a werd. It from dat fancy-ful sky-fi boolshit.
MIGUEL: But it’s recognized socially.
OLIVER: But it only werks on da spell chick if’n yoo capiterize it. Yoo no why? Cos it iz cornsidered a proper pronun even in da Star Wohrs uni-virse.
MIGUEL: It’s a rank. Like a lieutenant.
NATHAN: Miguel, let the Wookie win.
MIGUEL: Well, since you put it that way. And where the hell have you two been? I really hate game day.
CHRIS: Larry was kidnapped by Angelina.
MIGUEL: He didn’t seem to be taken in duress.
CHRIS: It’s up to him what kind of clothes he chooses to wear.
OLIVER: Ok, Ab-Bert and Coss-teller.
NATHAN: Are you sure he was intentionally going with Angelina?
MIGUEL: I guess. I was coming back from the bathroom making a pretty huge turd. I was still a little impressed by my work. Chris, why are you looking around like that?
CHRIS: I was expecting Zigee to pop in all of a sudden.
MIGUEL: Anyway, I just saw him getting in. He seemed to be doing it of his own freewill, but she could have threatened him. I don’t know.
SHAG: Where do we go from here?
NATHAN: That’s a good quest–
CHRIS AND SHAG: Which is the way that’s clear? Still looking for that…
NATHAN: Oh, you’re singing. Stan, why don’t you shake up the Boggle thing? We’ll play a quick round.
(A few minutes later.)
NATHAN: So that means zero points for everyone, because Chris also got every word we did, and 5,041 points for Chris. I remember now why I don’t play this game with him.
DENTRE: So what are we going to do? We seem to be at a standstill.
NATHAN: I think we need to find someplace to examine the situation, and create a plan of action to bring it to a reasonable conclusion. What do you think, Chris?
(Chris has laid his head on the table and is drooling.)
NATHAN: A real help.
DENTRE: I can call MaryAnn, and we can go to the Re-Max offices. We have some pretty high-tech equipment there. We can run background checks, cross references, and everything else. We can find out who these people are, and what they might possibly want from you.
NATHAN: Sounds almost organized. Chris, what say you?
(Chris continues to drool.)
(Within five minutes MaryAnn, Dentre’s Re-Max balloon, has landed.)
NATHAN: Stan. Oliver. We will see you next month for another great game day. I might bring Clue: Museum Caper.
STAN: Okie dokie, Nathan.
OLIVER: Ar plessure as all ways.
(They shake hands. Nathan sees that Miguel is in the balloon and Shag is getting in. Chris is looking at a rope on the gondola. Stubby is walking up to Dentre.)
STUBBY: I realize that relations might be strained between us, but I have to get to work at the casino. Can you drop me off?
DENTRE: Sure, I believe it’s on our way.
CHRIS: Dentre, you mind if I use this rope real quick?
DENTRE: I can’t see what it will hurt.
NATHAN: Dentre, no!
(Chris grabs the rope, and quickly rushes Stubby. He punches Stubby three quick times, disorienting him enough to throw him to the ground and hogtie him. He picks Stubby off the ground.)
CHRIS: Now you listen to me, George Thoroughly Fucked. You’re going to take me to my Duran Duran collection, and then I’ll decide whether I’ll let you live.
MIGUEL: Gawwwddammit, Chris!
NATHAN: Chris, I’m not going to let you…
(Chris pulls a gun and points it at Stubby’s head.)
CHRIS: Don’t make this worse than it needs to be, Nathan.
NATHAN: If you shoot him, you’ll never get your collection back.
CHRIS: Well, duh. But what are you going to do anyway?
NATHAN: Where did you get a…
OLIVER: Das my gun. I thourght it were weird dat he were mass-sodjing my back.
NATHAN: Fucking great.
(Chris is forcefully leading Stubby toward the building.)
CHRIS: I’m taking the van. We’re going to get my Duran Duran stuff, and then, I’ll contact you at CTU and we’ll reconfigure our operation.
(They watch as Chris drags Stubby to the van, throws him in the back, and drives off.)
MIGUEL: What does CTU mean?
NATHAN: It means that Chris has been watching “24.” It means that this story won’t be in control again until he’s watching something tame, like “Cheers.”
(End Episode Thirty-Eight)