A Bongwater Christmas
I went to bed on Christmas Day
I had to be back at work by six that day
And I was determined not to be
Trying to nod off the whole twelve hour shift again
From about as far back as July, or August or something
But I do know it was 2010
Because it was in an appropriately named folder
On my computer, “Current Projects 2010”
I’d written a note in my poetry brainstorming
And it read something like this:
“Regardless of which DVD I’m playing
“That TV isn’t in my bedroom
“I wish I could talk like Ann Magnuson sometimes
“And I wish I could sing a well as she”
I thought to myself, when I wrote that
“I have to use that somewhere”
Flash back forward to Christmas Day
And I’m sleeping heavily
I’m dreaming about Suzanne
And we’re hanging out at the burger joint
That we hung out with Scott and Jonathan
Earlier that week
If I had time to think about it
I could have a long interview with Sigmund Freud
About the implications of just that one image
The restaurant had a much bigger outside patio
And we were walking around it
Talking about stuff when I noticed the music
That was playing over the speakers
Because I always notice the music
That is playing over the speakers
It was Bongwater, “Double Bummer”
But there were some odd changes
Made to the recording
I proceeded to explain to Suzanne
That this wasn’t how the songs normally sound
When my phone rang
There was someone on the other end
Wanting to interview me for the newspaper
It was Ann Magnuson
I wasn’t nervous at all
I may not have known what to say to such a huge star
But I do know how to talk uninterrupted
For long periods of time
I explained to her how
Sometimes people who are trying to hide the fact
That they’re sleeping with someone else
Will make very odd mistakes
And I recalled a conversation Suzanne and I
Had apparently had at some point
Though not earlier in the dream
About her younger cousin
Who probably doesn’t really exist
Like Santa Claus or God
At least so Magnuson’s
One time band mate, Mark Kramer would believe
Because he’s an atheist, or so I read
Suzanne’s cousin, who exists in my dream
Made the mistake of borrowing t-shirts from her boyfriend
Just like my ex-Jennifer
Because every Chris has an ex-Jennifer
Used to borrow my Butthole Surfers t-shirt
When we were dating
And I was rattling on much like this
As Ann, Miss Magnuson, if you’re nasty
Took it all in leisurely on the phone
And finally made my point that
Suzanne knew she was seeing that boy
Because she was wearing his t-shirt
Ann explained to me that she had enough for her article
And that I could go now if I wanted
I told her I was happy to talk as long as she wanted
And she said that she had a few things to tell me
She started out by trying to explain
That she wasn’t an accomplished guitarist
And since we were now sitting in a parking lot downtown
She showed me one of her lesser moves
On the guitar she had with her
She then proceeded to explain that her voice was so amazing
That all she had to do was wail like a banshee
And men would orgasm
All the while as she spoke
I was checking out some woman
Who was walking around in a revealing bikini
She noticed my fascination for this woman’s ass
And it seems that she thought
Two can play that game
She found a group of men
All hanging out in cars that were also hot tubs
She began to use her voice on them
And at least one of them orgasmed because of it
Just like that Lonely Island video
I saw the day before
She was really having quite a good time
Using the sonic qualities of her voice
Trying to make men orgasm
When suddenly the police arrived
They were arresting her for disturbing the peace
I thought real quick that I should follow
On a police motorcycle left on the street
And wondered if I was really good enough
To become part of this news story
I started to use my voice as she did
And the guys in the area took notice
I took off on the motorcycle
Following the police car Ann was in back of
Until I saw an opportunity to turn left into a dead end
The cop noticed me at this point
And I knew he would arrest me
As soon as he could catch me
As I posed ready by the street
To try to make my getaway
I thought of how cool it would be
If Ann said I was part of her band
And the publicity we would get from the headline
“Members of Bongwater Arrested Downtown”
This is when I woke
Warm under my electric blanket
I realized that I had my inspiration
All I had to do was describe my dream
In some sort of rough poetry form
And I had my opportunity
To use the line from my notes
Where I spoke of Ann Magnuson
It was like a Christmas present
From my subconscious
But I’d already written my poem for the day
And the more I pondered this
The less benevolent the gift became
But I wrote it anyway
And now that I think of it
The poem I wrote last night was for yesterday
This really was a Bongwater Christmas
But nonetheless I decided
That I was better off alone
And would never try to join
A band that I admired again
– Chris McGinty – 12-25-10 – 5:33 pm