(Part One by Nathan Stout)
[INT – SHOP – NIGHT]
(Taco Hell wrappers are spread all over the shop floor, and everyone is lounging around the small collectible shop.)
PAUL: What is that racket you are listening to?
CHRIS: This is a mix CD I made for Nathan. It’s designed to introduce him to music he loves but never knew it.
NATHAN: He’s right.
PAUL: Sounds like crap.
ANGELINA: I like it.
PAUL: Really, then why don’t you go fuck it?
CHRIS: Do I detect some bitterness about our ass-kicking vixen?
NATHAN: Yes.
PAUL: Shut up.
MIGUEL: Arrrrggg. I’m so bored here!
PAUL: You know, I think this was an excellent idea for a hide out. You have not had one customer.
NATHAN: Mew.
CHRIS: You should have known… location, location, location.
NATHAN: But YOU and Paul picked this place!
CHRIS: But you decided to start a business here. I never told you to do that.
NATHAN: Well, it sure seemed like that’s what you expected!
CHRIS: Did I say it? Did I think it? Go on, look.
(Nathan pauses, looking at Chris.)
NATHAN: Urm.
CHRIS: How many times do I have to tell you I’m always right?
MIGUEL: Oh man… I’m going crazy in here.
ANGELINA: We have to stay put for a couple of days. The professor will have his forces out in… force. By the way you are so hot.
(Miguel smiles; happy to be able to use his power to relieve his boredom. Angelina slaps him across the face.)
ANGELINA: Do it again and I will cut your nuts off.
NATHAN: Too late.
MIGUEL: Yeah, he’s right.
CHRIS: Hey, you all aren’t paying attention to me! Hello!
PAUL: Will you just shut up for a second?
NATHAN: Good luck.
ANGELINA: Shut it.
MIGUEL: Booooorrrrreeeedddd.
(Suddenly everyone shuts up as someone actually comes into the shop.)
NATHAN: Hi.
CUSTOMER: Oh hi.
(The customer browses the comic and collectible type items in the shop for a full hour and a half before talking again.)
CUSTOMER: Do you guys have any National Geographic?
NATHAN: Uh, no. Sorry.
CUSTOMER: Hey, can I use your phone?
NATHAN: Sure.
(Nathan hands the young man the phone and he makes a call.)
CUSTOMER: Hello? Yeah, little old lady is in her shoe and all the kids are there too.
(The customer hangs up and gives the phone back.)
CUSTOMER: Thanks.
(The customer leaves and shortly after there is a popping noise outside. Nathan runs to the peeking flap and curses.)
NATHAN: I knew I recognized that noise. That fucker stole a bomb-bag.
ANGELINA: A what?
NATHAN: It’s a novelty that pops when the two chemicals mix inside this little bag.
ANGELINA: What?
PAUL: More IMPORTANTLY, what was that call all about?
NATHAN: You see this foil bag has baking soda in it…
PAUL: What about that suspicious call?
ANGELINA: Baking soda?
NATHAN: Yes, plus there is a little bag of vinegar and when you squeeze the inner bag it mixes the two chemicals together and the gas fills the foil bag and it will pop.
PAUL: What…
ANGELINA: Interesting. Let me see one.
NATHAN: Neat stuff. We get them from Moscow Trading Company.
PAUL: Is anyone listening to me?
CHRIS: I am.
(Chris walks to the phone and presses *69.)
(End of Part One)
(Part Two by Chris McGinty)
[INT – SHOP – NIGHT]
(Chris is listening to the phone ring and waits for someone to answer.)
CHRIS: Anime Renegade, where we hope to reverse our profit and loss as well.
PAUL: Is there someone on the other line?
CHRIS: No, just practicing.
(Angelina suddenly becomes very interested in the fact that Chris is on the phone, but Miguel doesn’t notice Angelina’s interest, because he’s too busy looking at her titties. Nathan doesn’t notice Angelina’s interest, because he’s too busy explaining about all the cool novelty toys they can order, while looking at her titties. Chris notices Angelina’s interest, but doesn’t pay it any mind, choosing instead to look at her… then the other line picks up. It’s a female voice.)
VOICE (over phone): Does the little old lady have the kids under control?
CHRIS: I think she dropped them off at the pool.
(There is silence on the other end.)
VOICE (over phone): Little Blue Boy. Confirm. Tick tock. Nine. Are stitches entwined?
CHRIS: The picture is developed. The cigars are lit. The veil is being raised.
(There is a longer silence this time.)
VOICE (over phone, nervously): Little Blue Boy. Confirm. Tick tock. Five. No one left alive?
CHRIS: This confirmation nonsense is giving me a headache.
(Chris hangs up the phone. He looks at Angelina who looks somewhat stricken with fear?)
ANGELINA: How did you know the clues?
CHRIS: My handy dandy notebook.
ANGELINA: What?
CHRIS: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I answered the phone, and the woman on the other end started going all “Mama my armchair is broken” on me, so I just made some shit up. Earlier Paul said, “The Healing Touché is a cover for a band of ruthless hit-women and mercenaries.” It put me in mind of one of the only bad episodes of “Nowhere Man,” so I said some stuff that referenced that show, and she acted all freaked out.
ANGELINA: Quick turn on the TV.
NATHAN: We only have a DVD/TV combo. It won’t pick up any stations.
ANGELINA: Then follow me down to The Healing Touché. We have a TV in there. We need to see how much damage you’ve done.
CHRIS: Why not just call your contact back?
ANGELINA: You said drop them off at the pool, which is the code for going silent after the following message.
MIGUEL: It is not. It’s a euphemism for taking a doo doo.
NATHAN: Doo doo?
MIGUEL: I have a kid.
(Angelina walks out of the shop. The four confused men follow her as she walks to the other end of the building, and walks into The Healing Touché. The Rick Springfield door chime announces that “We all need it, and I need it too.” They all walk in. Angelina turns the TV to the news while three women who might be a band of ruthless hit-women and mercenaries, and might also be rub down experts, look in surprise as the four men enter.)
NEWSCASTER: In a strange twist of events, an emergency order has been given to reinstate Bill Clinton to the office of The President of the United States of America.
NATHAN: I knew he had a way back in.
NEWSCASTER: This emergency order will last only long enough for bold decisions to be made concerning encrypted intelligence phoned in by a field operative codenamed Blue Boy, a mysterious figure who has a strange affinity for Bomb Bags from The Moscow Trading Company, and has been deep in Operation: Tight Blue Jeans. Every night in Tight Blue Jeans.
(Nathan rolls his eyes at the amount of stretching that took. Angelina turns to Paul in a girl panic. Nathan let’s that one go.)
ANGELINA: When Chris said he had a headache after reinstating Bill Clinton, it was code to bomb an Aspirin factory. They have these coordinates. I need to know if there is an Aspirin factory operation anywhere nearby.
(Chris thinks back to what he could have possibly said to get Bill Clinton reinst… oh…)
PAUL: Well, let’s see. There is of course The Healing Touché and Anime Renegade.
MIGUEL: What’s all this equipment?
GRRRL 1: It’s surveillance equipment.
(The TV cuts to a commercial. It’s a poorly drawn cartoon of a boy carrying a lollipop. He approaches an owl sitting in a tree.)
PAUL: There is also a church group.
NATHAN: Surveillance equipment? What about this closet over here. Is that where you keep the oils?
GRRRL 2: Oils? No, that’s where we keep the sniper rifles.
BOY (in TV commercial): Wise owl. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Hoffman Pop?
PAUL: There’s a tax office.
MIGUEL: So where do you do the nasty with the men?
GRRRL 3: We find men nasty for sure, but we’re L Word, if you know what I mean.
MIGUEL: Hooker? Prostitute? No, I don’t know what you mean.
OWL (in TV commercial): One, two…
(There is a crunch as the owl bites into the Hoffman Pop chewy center. The owl hands the Hoffman Pop back to the boy.)
OWL: (in TV commercial): …three.
PAUL: There’s that Bauhaus Spa for Gothic folks who need to relax.
NATHAN: There’s not a single massage table in this entire space.
ANNOUNCER (in TV commercial): How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Hoffman Pop?
PAUL: There’s the chandelier and lamp repair.
NATHAN: There is no indication of skin trade anywhere in here. Is this a bone shop or not?
ANNOUNCER (in TV commercial): The world may never know.
PAUL: And the recording studio.
NATHAN: You said you were fucking a client.
ANGELINA: I meant that I was betraying Paul. You know. Fucking him.
PAUL: And the brass polisher.
NATHAN: But you went along with our assumptions that you were a prostitute.
ANGELINA: I went along with you guys having your minds in the gutter, as per usual. Is there any other businesses operating out of here, Paul?
PAUL: I think that’s about it.
ANGELINA: Thank goddess.
NATHAN: What’s that huge section right in the middle of the property?
PAUL: Oh yeah! That’s the Aspirin factory. How could I forget about that?
ANGELINA: Get out of here girls! Fast!
(Angelina and her co-workers rush out of the building.)
CHRIS: Um, even if we don’t fit the description of “girls,” I think we might want to get out of here fast as well.
(The four guys run out into the parking lot, and are met with an amazing sight. Angelina and her co-workers are standing there. And if that wasn’t amazing enough, when they look into the sky, they see fighter jets. They also see missiles being fired at the building. They all duck as the Aspirin factory in the middle of the plaza is blown to bits.)
CHRIS: Well, that was scary. I’m glad it’s over now.
ANGELINA: Oh no. It’s not over. You said the veil was being raised. They have orders to keep an all out assault going until you are dead or captured.
CHRIS: I know it’s pointless asking, Nathan, but can you read anything from any of the girls?
NATHAN: Still nothing.
ANGELINA: And it will remain that way. From the very moment that I rescued you from the “Tidy Cab” I’ve been running a disruptor ray that has not only blocked his ability, but has also diminished it. The security alarm I installed completed the job of neutralizing his ability to read minds altogether. And I have nice floppy titties.
(They all look at Miguel.)
ANGELINA: Unfortunately, they don’t have a disruptor ray for his ability yet.
(The jets make another fly by. They destroy The Healing Touché, and that entire side of the building. They look and see armed helicopters flying in. There is enough fire power to level the area five times over.)
CHRIS: The only way I see out of this is if I use my super speed to go get my car. Unfortunately, I can’t drive it at super speed, but I might make it back in time to get the two of you out of here. They might not completely raze the area until Angelina and her girls are out of here safely.
ANGELINA: You should realize that it’s a pointless task, Chris.
MIGUEL: And I have nice floppy titties.
CHRIS: You do, Miguel, but if I were you I wouldn’t be bragging. I’ll be back as quick as possible.
(Chris starts to run, but he runs no faster than a regular human male.)
ANGELINA: You talked too long, Chris. The helicopters have dampening fields.
CHRIS: This is not something that comic book heroes had to constantly deal with. Every time I can put my ability to a good use, there is a dampening field keeping me from doing so. And now Nathan is neutered.
NATHAN: That is to say that my power is neutralized, thank you.
MIGUEL: Well, we’ve been on Hoth for awhile now. It only makes sense that we would eventually have to fight the epic battle against the AT-ATs.
GRRRL 1: Does he always talk so weird?
CHRIS: Pretty much constantly.
NATHAN: I know I’m a curmudgeon, but one of my New Year’s resolutions was to look on the bright side of things.
CHRIS: And what do you see?
NATHAN: That at least the air strikes haven’t destroyed our precious shop.
(That is pretty much the moment that the third air strike flies over, and fires missiles right into the shop.)
NATHAN: Noooooooooooo!
(Just then a tiny little dot caught Nathan’s eye, it was just about too small to see, and he watched it way too long… and it hits Nathan right in the head, knocking him out. Chris looks at the item that flew out of the explosion and knocked Nathan unconscious. It’s the Light Cycle model.)
CHRIS: He’s right. We’ll never get rid of that thing.