Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Twelve – Redneck Dawn

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)


(Nathan and Miguel are sitting in Paul’s van along with Paul, Angelina, Chris, and the girls from The Healing Touche’. Everyone is packed into the tiny space and both Nathan and Miguel have looks of ecstasy on their faces, as both of their heads are planted between the huge boobs of the women.)

ANGELINA: What are we going to do now?

PAUL: I’m not sure, just keep driving. I’m not totally sure we have lost them yet.

(The van zips in and out of streets and alleys in the Como area of Fort Worth.)

CHRIS: I think we should pull over and calm the fuck down.



PAUL: I agree. If they catch us now we can kiss ourselves goodbye.

CHRIS: Fine. Why the hell do you two have the smiles of the freshly lobotomized on your faces?!

(Nathan and Miguel say nothing, they just make sure they do exaggerated jostling when the van hits any bumps in the road.)

CHRIS: Damn it’s hot in here.

(Miguel and Nathan say nothing as the sweat makes the sliding against the girls’ boobs even more enjoyable.)

CHRIS: Am I the only one irritated!?

(Nathan and Miguel nod their heads vigorously.)

PAUL: What’s the matter?

CHRIS: Nathan has lost yet another business, and he doesn’t seem the least unhappy about it.

(Nathan’s eyes are crossed in delight.)

CHRIS: See?!

PAUL: We have more serious things to worry about. The professor is pulling out all the stops to find you.

CHRIS: Find me? How about blow me up?!

ANGELINA: It’s possible. If they feel they can’t get you, they would need to eliminate you.

PAUL: I agree. And apparently so do Nathan and Miguel.

(After a while longer of driving Angelina pulls into an abandoned gas station.)

ANGELINA: Let’s take a breather. Nathan and Miguel are obviously in shock and need some fresh air.

(They both shake their heads back and forth vigorously.)

MAN: Hey you!

(Angelina gets out of the van along with Paul, as someone in a truck pulls up in front of the van.)

MAN: You’re trespassin’.

ANGELINA: We have a couple of people in our party who are in distress, and we needed to pull over.

MAN: This here is private property.

ANGELINA: Like I said…

MAN: I am the caretaker of this property and you are trespassing. You need to get off of it right…

(Angelina puts the silencer quickly back into her waistband and steps up to the truck, reaches over the dead man and slips the truck into park.)

ANGELINA: Fucking Texans.

(Angelina opens the van doors, and the girls from The Healing Touche’ pile out. Nathan and Miguel slide down the seats into the floor, nearly lifeless. One of the girls moves forward to Nathan, reaches down into his pants, and pulls out his wallet.)

WOMAN: That will be fifty bucks for the thrill, boys.

(There is a screeching as two black vans pull into the parking lot. Out of the van pours agents, the professor, and men in SWAT uniforms. Three other people join the professor from out of the last van. The three others look rather normal.)

PAUL: Oh shit.

(The women from The Healing Touche’ all produce guns from who-knows-where and form up behind Angelina and Paul. Chris is pretending to tend to Nathan and Miguel who are recovering from their near-fatal titting.)

ANGELINA: Professor…


PAUL: Not him too?!

(One of the agents pulls out a dampening gun. Paul flicks his hand in the general direction of the agent. The gun flies twenty feet away and smashes to the ground.)



(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)


(There is a tense situation a brewin’, and no one seems to have made coffee to discuss things over.)

ANGELINA: Professor, I don’t understand. When last we met, well before the helipad, part of me remembers you walking, but part of me remembers you in the wheelchair.

PROFESSOR: I fell into a continuity glitch. It left me in this wheelchair.

ANGELINA: Is a continuity glitch anything like a plot hole.

PROFESSOR: Yeah, except you come out covered in gelatinous crap, like in Poltergeist.

(Chris is kneeling in front of Miguel and Nathan, and their stupid stupor. He waves his hands before their faces, and gets no response. He snaps his fingers, and gets no response from his fingers, because he’s never learned to snap his fingers. He makes up something about boobs waiting for them in the van, and they perk up.)

NATHAN: Really? Where?

CHRIS: Nowhere. I was just trying to bring you back to reality.

MIGUEL (looking around): Reality doesn’t look too appealing right now. What the hell is going on?

CHRIS: What’s the last thing you remember?

MIGUEL: The bombshells.

CHRIS: Oh, so you remember the shop getting attacked?

MIGUEL: The shop got attacked!?

(Chris rests his face in his palm, and rubs his eyes. He can hear Angelina, Paul, and the professor arguing about something.)

CHRIS: You remember that we all have super powers, except that Angelina diminished Nathan’s ability… and her girls seem to have diminished his mental faculties.

NATHAN: Have you ever really thought about boobs, Chris?

CHRIS: Yes, but only in my most philosophical hours. Anyway, you might remember the professor who registered our powers with the government.

MIGUEL: Yeah, he was nice.

CHRIS: Except that he’s trying to capture me since I have the power to move at incredible speeds, and if he can’t capture me it seems that killing me is an acceptable alternative.

MIGUEL: Well, he seemed nice at least.

CHRIS: Well, he’s here. He brought two vans. The first van contained the professor, his agents, and a SWAT team. The second van had three normal looking guys who are hanging around all mysteriously without explanation.

MIGUEL: They’re probably performance auditors.

CHRIS: We can hope, I guess. Here’s the thing though. I’m not sure who we can trust. Paul seems too benign to be a danger to us, but the professor warned me against him, and Paul has a power that we didn’t know about. And sure, the professor warned me, but the professor wants me captured or dead. Meanwhile, Angelina seems to be working against Paul while working for Paul. She took Nathan’s ability to read minds, so he never was able to read her intentions. She seemed to know that the shop was going to be attacked based on my phone call. And while she and her girls are pretending to be penis experts, there was no indication of prostitution in The Healing Touche’.

NATHAN: Have you ever really thought about boobs, Chris?

CHRIS: No less than a hundred times a day.

MIGUEL: What’s with the puddle of blood over there?

(Chris looks to where Miguel is pointing. He realizes that the body of the abandoned gas station owner has got up and walked away.)

CHRIS: That’s the inner fluids of the guy Angelina shot. Either the wound wasn’t as bad as it looked, or he has some sort of regenerative ability.

MIGUEL: Or he drank that now empty bottle of whiskey, and got his health back.

CHRIS: Miguel, that’s ridicu…

(The sound of a shotgun goes off with a deafening report.)

GAS STATION REDNECK: Get off my land!

CHRIS: Seriously?

(Everyone turns to look. There are about a few dozen clones of the Gas Station Redneck, and they’re all armed.)

MIGUEL: Nathan’s been hit!

(Chris turns to see that there is a huge hole in Nathan’s pants around his hip, which is smoking from the heat of the bullet. Chris doesn’t see blood yet, but he doesn’t hesitate.)

CHRIS: Help me get him into Paul’s van.

(Chris and Miguel haul Nathan into the van and shut the door.)

CHRIS: Paul’s Driver, I need you to get us out of here before everyone who has a gun, which seems to be just about everyone but us, opens fire.

(The driver doesn’t say anything, nor does he start the van, probably out of loyalty to Paul. Chris looks at Nathan’s wound, except that there is no wound.)

CHRIS: Do you have a steel cigarette lighter in your pocket, or did all those credit cards in your wallet finally do you some good.

(Chris reaches into Nathan’s pocket, and pulls out the piece of paper that was given to Nathan by the “Tidy Cab” lawyer.)

CHRIS: This piece of paper stopped a bullet?

NATHAN: It is a cease and desist.

CHRIS: Why is the van not driving us to safety?

(The driver still says nothing, but right at that moment a gun fight breaks out, and the van seems to be right in the middle of it. Glass shatters, bits of the van scatter, and the driver’s blood splatters. It’s very loud, very scary, and very messy)

MIGUEL: Holy shit! Holy fuck! Chris what’s happening!

CHRIS: Bad things, Miguel.

(Nathan stands. He moves the body of the driver aside, and tries to start the van, but the barrage of bullets have clearly hit something very important, like the starter. He looks out the window briefly, and then ducks into the back of the van.)

NATHAN: Everyone is using vehicles as cover. They’ll surely all be disabled by the time we could possibly get to one. Those rednecks are coming out of the woodwork. Angelina and her girls, Paul, and the professor’s team are all working together to square off against… what’s that?

(They listen closely, and they hear a helicopter. Nathan moves back to the front seat, moving carefully as stray bullets keep pelting the van. He looks out, and then returns to the back of the van.)

NATHAN: It’s the assault team that took out the shop.

MIGUEL: The question is whether the professor called them in or Angelina.

CHRIS: It hardly matters. If those creepy rednecks win this fight then they’ll likely kill us. If anyone else wins, then I’ll likely be captured, and maybe killed.

(Suddenly the van door opens and then shuts, and Chris is gone.)

NATHAN: Did that fucker just leave us to rot?

(The van door opens and shuts again, and Chris is back holding three shotguns.)

CHRIS: We’re going to have to fight our way out.

NATHAN: I don’t know nothing ‘bout birthin’ no babies.

CHRIS: No one’s asking you to…

NATHAN: I don’t know anything about combat either.

CHRIS: You eat all those freeze dried army rations. You’re practically a warrior. You know, I actually think of you as my own personal John Rambo.

NATHAN: Really? Let’s get out there and fight.

MIGUEL: What about me?

CHRIS: Um, I think of you as that one from “Commando.”

MIGUEL: Really? John Matrix?

CHRIS: No, the one played by Rae Dawn Chong.

MIGUEL: Rae Dawn Chong?

CHRIS: Now, let’s get out there and fight.

MIGUEL: Rae Dawn Chong?

CHRIS: Sure. If that’s your battle cry, then Rae Dawn Chong!

NATHAN: Rae Dawn Chong!

MIGUEL: Eh, we’re going to die either way. Rae Dawn Chong!

(And with Paul, Angelina, the professor, a SWAT team, possible auditors, and a band of ruthless hit-women and mercenaries on one side; psychotic redneck clones on the other side; and a massive assault team coming by land, Lake Como, and air pretty much everywhere else; our three heroes step out of the van ready to die or die trying. Rae Dawn Chong, indeed.)

(End Episode Twelve)

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