(Part One by Chris McGinty)
(Previously on 24.)
JACK: Terrorists are attacking the US, Mr. President. I need to know what your orders are, so I can’t blatantly disregard them.
PRESIDENT: I wish I could tell you to just kill those bastards, Jack, but I could never order such a thing.
JACK: Why do you keep scratching you nose, Mr. President?
(Previously on Boston Legal.)
DENNY: Alan, I can’t remember what happened last week.
ALAN: Do you think it might be the mad cow?
DENNY: I think it’s because the writers strike took so long that nobody remembers what happened. Let’s sue the writers.
ALAN: We can’t sue the writers, Denny. They get to tell the judge how to rule.
(Previously on Flash Ahhhh!)
CHRIS (weird voice): Miguel, fearless leader, I would lay down my life for you, so…
CHRIS (normal voice): … we’re going to have to fight our way out.
NATHAN: I don’t know nothing ‘bout birthin’ no babies.
CHRIS: No one’s asking you to…
NATHAN: I don’t know anything about combat either.
CHRIS: You eat…
CHRIS (weird voice): …dung, Nathan. How can you doubt our victory with out fearless leader Miguel, who might I add, Miguel…
CHRIS (normal voice): …I actually think of you as my own personal John Rambo.
NATHAN (weird voice) I think of Miguel as John Rambo too.
NATHAN: (normal voice) Let’s get out there and fight.
MIGUEL: What about me?
CHRIS (weird voice): If you fight along side us it will be an honour.
MIGUEL: Then I will fight along side you.
CHRIS (weird voice): And after we win, I will suck your dick so good you will think it is being done…
CHRIS (normal voice): …by Rae Dawn Chong.
MIGUEL: Rae Dawn Chong?
CHRIS: Now, let’s get out there and fight.
MIGUEL: Rae Dawn Chong?
CHRIS: Sure. If that’s your battle cry, then Rae Dawn Chong!
NATHAN: Rae Dawn Chong!
MIGUEL: Eh, we’re going to die either way. Rae Dawn Chong!
(And now, Episode Thirteen. Chris, Miguel, and Nathan stand outside of the van.)
NATHAN: That’s not how it happened, Miguel. You used your voiceover super power…
CHRIS: We don’t have time for that now. We have whole armies to take down.
(Just then, the attack forces fire heavily into the large group of redneck clones. It takes hardly any time at all for the attack force to kill them all. The remaining bloody mess cannot be seen through the smoke.)
NATHAN: I wasn’t expecting that.
(They see something suddenly emerge from the smoke. It’s the caretaker of the property. He is running toward his truck. Suddenly, Angelina is off and running, as the redneck gets into the truck, Angelina sticks her gun to the man’s head and kills him, for sure this time.)
ANGELINA: Fucking Texans.
(She turns to go join Paul and the professor.)
CHRIS: That was all very anti-climatic.
NATHAN: You were expecting perhaps a big epic battle?
CHRIS: We may yet have an epic battle. I will not let the professor take me alive.
PROFESSOR: Oh, I don’t know that it must come to that, Chris.
CHRIS: What? You mean you’ve decided you no longer need to exploit people’s super powers to whatever evil ends you have planned.
PROFESSOR: Weren’t you listening earlier when Angelina, Paul, and I were negotiating Paul’s contract to join me, since he has a much cooler super power than you do?
CHRIS: Oh, is that what that was? All I heard was three douche bags leaking.
PROFESSOR: That’s your one liner?
CHRIS: It’s all in the delivery I guess. Nathan, let me see your cell phone.
(Nathan hands Chris his phone. Chris scrolls through many menus, mumbling something about, “more like iCrap,” until he finally selects “Text to Schwarzenegger Voice.” He types in his one liner and hits play. The phone speaks with a thick part Austrian, part Action Hero, dialect.)
PHONE: All I heard was three douche bags leaking.
PROFESSOR: Hmmm. Now that you put it that way, I do actually feel the sting a little. Where did you get that app?
NATHAN: I downloaded it from…
CHRIS: Nathan, he’s the enemy.
PROFESSOR: I can look it up later.
(Chris types into Nathan’s phone.)
PHONE: I’ll look you up in the phone book later and you’ll be listed under deceased.
(The professor visibly shivers.)
PROFESSOR: That made no sense, but it was effective with that voice. But we have no time for this. Angelina, Paul’s driver seems to be dead.
(Angelina walks to the van. She takes the driver’s pulse. Satisfied of something, she pulls smelling salts from a first aid kit in the van. She puts one under the driver’s nose and he wakes. She wraps a tourniquet around the wound, and administers a light pain reliever from an aspirin bottle.)
ANGELINA: All good.
(The driver tries to start the van, but it won’t turn over. He pops the hood for Angelina. She reattaches the starter using paper clips and bubble gum. The van starts right up. The professor loads his SWAT team and agents into their van. The three normal guys get in their van. Angelina, Paul, and the girls get into Paul’s van. All the vans drive off, leaving Chris, Miguel, and Nathan bewildered.)
(Part Two by Nathan Stout)
[EXT – DAY – ABANDONED GAS STATION]
(The smoking ruin of the van pops and hisses, as the fire dies down. All of the Healing Touche’s employees lie dead, Angelina is wounded, and Paul is battered but still alive. Chris is gone, dragged off by the professor and what remains of his G-men squad. His “special force” lie dead, strewn among the dead agents. Nathan’s lifeless body is smeared in a nasty mess right through the center of it all.)
MIGUEL: What are you doing?
CHRIS: I’m writing this awesome story to raise the lameness that just took place to epic proportions.
(Chris finishes the painstaking thumb-typing on his phone.)
CHRIS: There! That paragraph only took thirty minutes to write. At this rate my new book will be done in about twenty years.
MIGUEL: Sure, right after the other ten you have in various states of written-ness.
NATHAN: What the hell are we going to do now? I don’t even know where this is. I also love to suck ass.
(Nathan kicks Miguel.)
CHRIS: Well, thanks for sharing. I think we are up near Wichita Falls.
NATHAN: Oh well that helps.
CHRIS: Well, I’m sorry. If you weren’t so busy rubbing your face in some chick’s fun bags, you might have seen where we were heading.
NATHAN: I love fun bags.
(Nathan kicks Miguel again.)
MIGUEL: Hey! That wasn’t me.
(Nathan thinks for a moment, and then apologizes.)
CHRIS: This is so fucking inconsiderate.
NATHAN: Oh no… Chris isn’t the center of attention anymore. Boo hoo.
MIGUEL: The professor dropped you like a hot potato when Paul showed everyone he has an even better power.
CHRIS: Fine. See if I care.
NATHAN: I think that was the problem. You showed absolutely no care whatsoever. I think the professor gave up on you more for your lack of enthusiasm than anything else.
CHRIS: I don’t care.
(Chris runs off at super speed, leaving Miguel and Nathan sitting against the running truck with the dead hick sitting at the wheel.)
MIGUEL: Wait a minute!
NATHAN: What?! Are you thinking what I am thinking?!
MIGUEL: Well, I am thinking this scene is a bit distasteful when it comes to me, but yes, I am thinking we should take the truck back to Fort Worth.
(End Episode Thirteen)