by the According To Whim .com crew
(Part One by Nathan Stout)
[EXT – DAY – ACCORDING TO WHIM HQ]
CHRIS: A little to the left. Ah, there. That’s good.
(One of Quincy’s henchmen adjusts the piece of cold steak on Chris’ eye. Chris can’t do it himself because he is tied up. Quincy sits across from Chris under a large umbrella at a rather nice set of patio furniture).
QUINCY: You see Mr. McGinty, I am not a cruel man. I believe in being civilized.
CHRIS: Do you mind?
(Chris nods to the Mr. Peppers sitting infront of him. The henchman moves the straw to Chris’ lips and he drinks greedily from it).
CHRIS: Very nice.
QUINCY: As soon as my men fix the wiring to the audio system I will have my fun. I can only imagine what the sound of thousands of panes of glass sound like when crash simeotaneously.
CHRIS: Yeah, great. Siiiiiip.
[INT – DAY – HANGMAN’S HOUSE OF HORRORS]
(Nathan is looking at the hangman diagram, the foot still the only thing drawn in, most of the letters of the word filled in correctly).
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: You are very good at this.
NATHAN: It’s amazing what you can accomplish when bodily harm is on the table.
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Two more letters.
NATHAN: Ahhhh, let’s see now… B_ACK _ACK.
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Think hard now.
NATHAN: I am stumped. I just don’t know.
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Oh come on! It’s as plain as the nose on my face.
(Nathan looks at the pillowcase).
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Your face.
NATHAN: OK, how about a…
(Suddenly someone opens a bay door and light floods in. There are voices).
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Crap! Quick boys, leave him. Let’s go.
(He turns back to Nathan and assumes a threatning stance).
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: I have’t finished with you, cheapsake!
(Nathan notices that when he gestures in that threatning way, his fingers appear to be very short. Something deep in Nathan’ cortex twitches at this but is unable to pull anything from memory. The bad guys leave and Nathan waits before calling out).
NATHAN: Hey! I’m over here! Help!
VOICE: This is private property!
NATHAN: Oh shoot.
VOICE #2: Now now, this may be just what we are looking for.
(There is a squeaking then around the corner rolls the Professor followed but a couple of Red Neck clones from several episodes back).
PROFESSOR: Ah, Nathan. Join us.
NATHAN: Oh shoot.
VOICE #3: Professor?
PROFESSOR: Over here.
PAUL: Oh, there you are… oh my.
NATHAN: Oh shoot.
[EXY – DAY – ATW HQ]
CHRIS: I’m gonna shoot!
(Chris, having gotten free from his captors when he claimed to need to pee after his sixth Mr. Peppers ran to the Daytona and grabbed the bazooka. He points it at the DJ booth).
QUINCY: You dunder heads. I told you not to loose his bonds. He stores that stuff like a camel. Duck!
(Chris shoots the bazooka at the DJ booth and it zigs and zags… right over the booth and right into the According To Whim Headqarters.
(With thunderous explosions only Hollyweird could come up with the building goes up in cinematic glory, each floor exploding out in firey balls of… fire. As if each window was packed with enough C-4 to keep Roland Emmeric happy for ten minutes. Nathan must have had barrells and barrells of gasoline lining each floor just on the other side of the glass cause that’s what it looked like).
CHRIS: So that’s what he did with the rest of the loan money. I wondered why this venture took twice as much money as was budgeted.
QUINCY: No! No! No! No!
(Quincy is hopping mad).
QUINCY: You couldn’t see any breaking glass casue of the fire! Nooooooooo!
(Quincy falls to his knees, Platoon style. Chris runs up infront of him).
CHRIS: This is for making me do this.
(Chris swings his leg back and kicks the kneeling Quincy in the balls so hard he choked on them. Chris runs off, hoping no one saw him blow up Nathan’s business).
(End of Part One)