Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Thirty-Four – A New Nut in the Mix

(by the AccordingToWhim crew)

(Part One by Nathan Stout)


(Nathan and the gang are sitting around, not sure what to do, even though Larry has arrived and has unlocked the door.)

LARRY: Well?

CHRIS: I dunno. I’m just goin’ with the flow.

MIGUEL: What a surprise.

CHRIS: As long as everyone talks to, and about, me often enough, I will go along with whoever.

DENTRE: I think fate has dropped Larry in our lap…

SHAG: Perv.

DENTRE: And I think we need to use him to the fullest extent.

LARRY: I’m all for being used. I’m so young and inexperienced.

SHAG: Perv.

CHRIS: Me me me.

MIGUEL: Are you about to sing?

CHRIS: No, just reinserting myself into conversation.

NATHAN: Lead the way…. Jesus Christ!

(Nathan’s exclamation is caused not by his realization that Larry is the son of our Heavenly Father, but caused by the special ops-looking team that bursts through the door, weapons drawn.)

ERIC: I’m Eric Steele, team leader for COBALT. We are a special branch of the Army. We are primarily focused on individuals with powers.

CHRIS: Wow, we didn’t even ask and you provided us with all sorts of useful information.

ERIC: My other duties include not wasting time with the usual back and forth question and answer time you get with sudden appearances of unknown figures like myself and my strike team.

STUBBY: Strike team, what do you…


(The members of the strike team simultaneously shoot stun guns at every member of the party.)

ERIC: Get them in the van.

(Chris raises his head just enough.)

CHRIS: Sweet. Too bad your name isn’t Henry.

(Chris passes back out. The team members haul off the group, and Eric is heading back to his COBALT assault vehicle parked out by the rear entrance.)


(Eric turns just in time to see Quincy walk out of the ‘out door… out door’ of the haunted house.)

ERIC: Behind another scheme to smash glass.

QUINCY: You remember…

ERIC: Uncle Sam never forgets.

QUINCY: Give everyone at the Pentagon my regards.

(The Professor rolls out from behind Quincy.)


ERIC: Professor. I should have known you would be behind this all.

PROFESSOR: Quincy. This complicates things. We need to accelerate things.

(Paul and Angelina walk out from behind the Professor.)


ERIC: Angelina!

PAUL: Angelina?

ERIC: So, this is where you are operating. Wherever you are the Grrrls aren’t far behind.

PAUL: Angelina?

ANGELINA: Eric was a long time ago back in my DOJ days.

ERIC: I have completed my mission so just be warned we will meet again.

QUINCY: Mission?

PAUL: The goof troop!

PROFESSOR: He captured our captives!

PAUL: We had plans…

PROFESSOR: There is no way we can get them away from COBALT.

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)


(They are riding along to who knows where, when Chris’s cell phone rings. Chris answers.)


COBALT TROOP 1: Hey, did I say you could answer your phone?

CHRIS: Eric said you didn’t answer back and forth questions, so I wasn’t about to ask you. This is Chris. How may I help you?

FLOYD (over the phone): What is my motivation?

PAUL (in background, over the phone): Ask him what mine is too!

FLOYD (over the phone): Quiet. If I have time I’ll ask about you.

CHRIS: I’m not sure I understand the question.

FLOYD (over the phone): Well, I was being held hostage by Stubby. Then next thing I know we’re all sitting around not sure what to do. Then that Eric guy came in and his team took everyone, except me. So I’ve been sitting here playing psychiatrist to these now lesser antagonists, because we’re not too sure what’s going on.

CHRIS: Well, we don’t have your average run of the mill Dubble-Oh-Se7en antagonists. They don’t seem to want to tell us anything about what they have planned or anything.

FLOYD (over the phone): So what do I do?

CHRIS: Charge them $100 an hour and then go home.

FLOYD (over the phone): Um. Ok.

(Chris hangs up. It’s only a matter of seconds before Chris’s phone rings again. The ring tone is “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit. Chris seems to really want to annoy the COBALT troops, so he lets it play out for a bit singing along.)

CHRIS: I hope you know I packed a toy store, I’ll travel the world, and Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my fucking sleigh tonight!

(Chris sees the troops are unaffected, and answers his phone.)

CHRIS: Yes, Quincy?

NATHAN: You gave Quincy his own ringtone?

QUINCY (over the phone): This Harvard Special with Cheese is trying to tell us that we suck as antagonists because we don’t announce our intentions. I think I’ve done a good job of telling you what I’m going to do before I do it.

CHRIS: Ugh. I regret bringing in a shrink now. Yes, Quincy, I validate you as an antagonist. You have been very clear of your evil intentions.

QUINCY (over the phone): Thank you. You’ve made me feel better about my evil doings.

(Chris hangs up.)

CHRIS: Not that it’s too hard to figure out with a name like Quincy the Glassbreaker that you intend to break glass. Sheesh.

(Chris’s phone rings. He notices that Nathan is sitting beside him dialing his phone. The ringtone that signifies that Nathan is calling is “Eye in the Sky” by The Alan Parsons Project.)

NATHAN: Just curious what mine was.

CHRIS: I’ve been meaning to change it. So… about Herr Rick the Ranger.

LARRY: You speak German?

CHIRS: Nein.

(COBALT Troop 1 doesn’t answer.)

CHRIS: I was thinking that since our antagonists are learning what it is to be vocal about what’s going on that you might tell us what’s going on.

(COBALT Troop 1 doesn’t answer.)

CHRIS: Reece, can you dream state us out of this?

(Larry doesn’t answer.)

NATHAN: Larry, can you dream state us out of this?

LARRY: No. They have this van rigged with dampening fields.

CHRIS: Of course they do.

(Chris pulls out his phone and calls up the internet.)

CHRIS: Good news, Stubby. Your video has 7,030, 498 views.

NATHAN: Oh, check mine!

CHRIS: Yours has 38.

NATHAN: Oh. Well that’s about a 3% increase from last year.

(Stubby gets up and walks over to the COBALT Troop 1.)

STUBBY: Listen, I have nothing to do with these people. I was working with Quincy, and I guess he wasn’t sure if I was really me because of some wonky dream state thing…

(COBALT Troop 1 elbows Stubby in the face, and Stubby passes out cold.)

CHRIS: Now that was worth staying awake. I guess I’ll go to sleep now.

(Chris rolls over. He tries to get comfortable, but can’t seem to. He reaches over and puts Nathan’s arm around him. Nathan pulls it back irritably. Chris is nearly asleep, when all of a sudden the van is impacted by something from outside.)

COBALT TROOP 2: What in the hell!?

COBALT TROOP 1: COBALT Driver, report.

COBALT DRIVER: I see nothing, sir.

(Chris sits up and surveys the situation. Eric’s men are on the alert. Stubby is still passed out from being elbowed. Shag is looking around like he doesn’t know what to make of the situation, which is pretty likely. Dentre and Reece are likewise confused, but not as a normal state of being. Miguel is in a Yoga position, chanting Star Wars dialogue. Nathan… Nathan is doing something with his iCrap phone. The van takes another hit, and this time it shuts down.)

COBALT DRIVER: We’ve lost all power, captain. That sounded better in my head. Sorry.

(Suddenly, they hear a voice from outside of the vehicle. It sounds an awful lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.)

ARNOLD (from outside of the van): Operators of COBALT. You are surrounded. We don’t want to hurt you. We simply want all of your prisoners released. Well, Stubby can stay with you. You have thirty seconds to comply.

(Chris notices that Nathan’s phone is in “Text to Schwarzenegger” mode. He leans toward Nathan.)

CHRIS (whispering): You sneaky son of a bitch.

NATHAN (whispering): You should join the Apple craze, Chris. There’s an app for everything. Faked vehicle impacts. Shutting down the electrical system of a van engine. Text to Schwarzenegger.

CHRIS: Does it have a Commodore 64 emulator?

(Nathan just looks at Chris funny.)

ARNOLD (from outside of the van): You have ten second to comply.

COBALT DRIVER: I don’t know where they are, sir.

(COBALT Troop 1 turns to the prisoners.)

COBALT TROOP 1: How is it that you have Arnold Schwarzenegger on your side?

SHAG: Are you kidding? All those years running a 420 friendly state.

(The van is impacted again. This time it’s hard enough that even Stubby wakes up long enough to hit his head and go out cold again.)

ARNOLD (from outside of the van): That was a warning shot. Let the prisoners go. Then give us a half an hour to clear the area, or we will detonate your van.

(COBALT Troop 1 looks around frantically trying to decide what to do. Everyone in the van watches him with interest to see what he will do.)

(End Episode Thirty-Four)

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