Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Thirty-Seven – Chris Abandoned Us!

(by the AccordingToWhim crew)

(Part One by Nathan Stout)


NATHAN: We’ve been driving for eight hours, and you never once looked in the back of the van to check on anyone?!

CHRIS: I thought everyone was asleep.

NATHAN: You are getting as forgetful as I am lately.

CHRIS: I don’t know…

NATHAN: For me, it’s the artificial sweetener that is making me absentminded. I don’t know what in the world is causing you to forget.

CHRIS: You know, I have been drinking nothing but cases of pure cane sugar Dr. Peeper lately. Maybe I need the high fructose corn syrup to put things right?

(Chris marches off inside the Stuckey’s. After filling the van up, Nathan runs to the restroom then back out, impatiently waiting for Chris. Nathan is staring at the floor trying to figure out what to do when he hears a fumbling at the passenger door. Chris is grunting outside.)

CHRIS: …need help.

(Nathan reaches across and opens the door. A Dr. Peeper branded mug the size of a half keg gets into the van followed by Chris.)

CHRIS: Only sixty-nine ninety-nine!

NATHAN: Great.

CHRIS: Refills only forty nine cents! This is my lucky day.

(Nathan starts the van and turns around, heading back to Oliver’s.)

NATHAN: I wonder what they did.

(When there is no reply from Chris, Nathan looks around the mug to see Chris carefully tipping it into a funnel into cans of Dr. Peeper. Chris notices Nathan.)

CHRIS: I’m dividing it up. I didn’t bother with ice, so there is eighty-two cans worth in here!

(Chris pats the massive mug.)

NATHAN: So I’ve been thinking about COBALT. Why did they show up when they did? Someone tipped them off. It obviously wasn’t the Professor, and I doubt it was Dentre or Shag. Larry shows up at about the same time. Seems suspicious.

CHRIS: Reece saved us multiple times.

NATHAN: Perfect cover.

CHRIS: Somehow I doubt it. Who wants us anyway? By the way, why don’t you just call one of the guys… maybe they already found a way home?

(Nathan holds up his phone.)

NATHAN: Dead battery.

(There is a bump on the road and the van swiftly rolls over it.)

CHRIS: Just smoothing out plot points.

NATHAN: I think COBALT wanted one of us, but they didn’t know which one, so they captured us all.

CHRIS: Well, Reece and Miguel are the only one with powers now.

NATHAN: Except Shag’s power Cliché.

CHRIS: Except that.

NATHAN: Let’s face it, Miguel’s power sucks just about as much as Miguel does.

CHRIS: No he doesn’t. He’s a homophobe.

NATHAN: They must be after Larry.

CHRIS: He can alter reality. I’d say that was a pretty useful power to people like Eric or the Professor.

NATHAN: But the Professor has known about Eric from day one… when he was interested in you.

CHRIS: Funny how things change.

NATHAN: Yeah, my life used to be so quiet. Remember that? I used to have to ask you about all the little sordid details of your life just to see what an exciting life was like.

CHRIS: Yeah…

NATHAN: In just a few days my life has been turned upside down and inside out.

CHRIS: It’s great isn’t it!?

(Nathan looks at Chris around the mug.)

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)


(Nathan is driving. Chris is sleeping. There is a drip feed rigged up for the remaining contents of the mug that Chris didn’t pour into can. It drips one drop of Dr. Pepper into Chris’s mouth every five seconds. Chris’s snoring is normal for the most part, but occasionally he sounds like Mer-man from He-Man. It is at this point that Nathan reaches around the mug, punches Chris in the arm and orders him to swallow. Chris mysteriously tells Miguel that it’s not his birthday yet, and then slips back into a deep sleep.)


(The rest of the group is playing a game of Monopoly with Stan and Oliver.)

SHAG: I remember we used to play this where you could remove an article of clothing in trade for a property you needed.

OLIVER: Well, we ain’t doin’ dat here, boy.

SHAG: No, not at this sausage fest. But the game always went faster. And the winner was almost always a woman.

MIGUEL: I sense a great disturbance in the Force.

STAN: Through the common area, only hall on the left, third door on the right.

MIGUEL: Thank you.

(Miguel stands to go to the bathroom. He tells Larry to play his turn until he gets back.)

DENTRE: Think he’d notice if you traded a couple of his properties?

LARRY: I’m not sure that it would matter whether he noticed or not. I don’t think he would care.

DENTRE: Well in that case…

(They hear a horrible sound from behind them. They look and see Stubby finally waking up. He makes noises as he wakes that ensure that he will never marry anyone whose ears work.)

STUBBY: What the hell happened?

LARRY: Well, some guy named Eric showed up, leading some group named COBALT, and took us onto a C-130. Then some guy named Garrett said that he was trying to make sure no one dropped us out of the back of the C-130, and then that same guy named Garrett dropped us out of the back of the C-130. I had to create a dream state and hope that it would save us, and it did. Then Chris and Nathan drove off and forgot to take us with them, so we’ve been having a game day. My mom is on the way to get me, cos I have school to go to.

STUBBY: Chris and Nathan are idiots. I got a little sidetracked on my evil plot, oh yes, but I will manage to rise up again and…

LARRY: That’s interesting, sir.

DENTRE: So anyway, about that Park Place that Miguel has…

SHAG: Let me ask you something, Larry. You have this ability to retain lots of knowledge. Do you know anything about COBALT, or anything else that is going on?

(An orderly approaches their game.)

ORDERLY: Larry, your mother is here to pick you up.

LARRY: Oh, well then I guess you’ll all have to auction my properties. It was fun hanging with you guys for a while. I’ve got to get back to earning my third PHD.

STAN: You have two PHDs?

LARRY: I should clarify. I’m earning my third PHD this year.

OLIVER: And still coun’t beat an ol’ man at Backgammon.

LARRY (laughing): I still have an open invitation to come back for a rematch, right.

OLIVER: Course, son.

STAN: See you soon, Larry.

SHAG: He didn’t answer my question.

STAN: He was probably excited that his mom was here.

(Larry leaves and they start to auction Larry’s properties, only to realize that they have no proxy for Miguel. They wait, and eventually Miguel comes back.)

MIGUEL: Oh boy. When do we eat?

DENTRE: Oh good. We were waiting on you to auction Larry’s properties. His mom finally arrived to take him home.

MIGUEL: Mom? He left with Angelina. I saw him getting in the black van with her when I was walking back from unloading my bowels.

STUBBY: What a terrible visual.

MIGUEL: Oh, you finally woke up? So when do we eat?


NATHAN: Hey Chris.

CHRIS: What?

NATHAN: I didn’t hear you snoring, so I was seeing if you were awake.

CHRIS: Yep. Physically. But spiritually, I think we’re both asleep.

NATHAN: What are you talking about?

CHRIS: Can I interest you in the good news from the Watchtower Tract Society?

NATHAN: I think the caffeine has gotten to your head. We’re almost there. We can get the others, if they’re still there, and get the hell out of here. I’ll need you to drive when we leave though.

(Chris suddenly pushes the oversized mug back a couple of feet and grabs the steering wheel. The van turns an anything but smooth U-turn, as Nathan screams, and thinks about Miguel’s panic attack pill stash.)

NATHAN: I meant when we left the home with everyone in the van!

(Chris straightens the van, and Nathan takes the wheel back.)

CHRIS: Follow that van. Angelina was in it.

NATHAN: Angelina? What the hell? Oh, and next time…



CHRIS: Chill out! Your ALL CAPS is hurting my ears.

(Nathan presses down on the accelerator pedal and starts to catch up to Angelina’s van.)

NATHAN: What the hell are we going to do when we catch up? She won’t pull over just because we yell at her.

CHRIS: She won’t? Well, then I don’t know what we’re going to do.

(Nathan looks at the speedometer. It seems to be crying.)

NATHAN: I guess I’ll just have to time between mile markers to estimate my speed.

(Nathan looks at the road. He notices that the mile marker signs are candy canes. The exit signs are posters of various Disney movies. The hitchhiking parrot is dressed as Long John Silver. Hitchhiking parrot?)

NATHAN: Holy shit! Holy fuck! Chris, what’s happening?

CHRIS: If I didn’t know better I would say that we’re entering a Reece dream state. Oh, and we’re about to drive right into that river of Dr. Pepper that has appeared between us and Angelina’s van. Not that I’d mind too much.

(End Episode Thirty-Seven)

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