Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Forty-Nine – Learn To S-Whim

by the According To Whim .com crew

(Part One by Nathan Stout)


LARRY: That’s why I would never help you professor!

(At this point, everyone seems to blink a few times, a little confused at the apparent jump in the action.)

PROFESSOR: I guess I should have gone back a little further in your records. Damn incomplete county records. Nevermind. Plans have changed.

(The professor points his gun at Larry. Meanwhile down below, Paul cradles the half-unconscious Angelina.)

PAUL: Oh my darling…

ANGELINA: Why don’t you just give up? Rasp.

PAUL: I don’t care what you have done. I will turn a blind eye. I don’t mind that you like freakish penises, I’ll get enhancement surgery. I love you.

ANGELINA: Oh you fool…

PAUL: I love you enough to… let you go.

(Paul bows his head, cries some more, and wipes some tears and snot off with his sleeve.)

ANGELINA: Back off!

(Angelina bats at the full orchestra that has crowded around playing sappy music during Paul’s confession of love. They back off.)

ANGELINA: I’m no good.

PAUL: No! You are!

ANGELINA: I’ve done bad things. Paul, you are too good for me. Snarf.

(Angelina wipes some snot of her own with her sleeve.)

PAUL: Come with me.

ANGELINA: Paul… no…

PAUL: Let’s fly away from all of this. Besides, I have a million from the Association as a down payment. We can run away with that.

(There is a short pause.)

ANGELINA: Why the hell are we still sitting here for?

(Meanwhile, up on the cannon platform the professor holds Larry at gunpoint.)

PROFESSOR: Put the cannon interface helmet on, or you are going to get it, like your little fat friend here…

(The professor nods to Nathan, who is lying face down on the funk-laden floor. The professor adjusts the cannon to point in a general area of the room where most of the fighting is going on).

PROFESSOR: You are going to end this now. Do it!

(Back on the dance floor, Paul has left Angelina’s side to find Dentre. He finds him but is quickly surrounded by both Shag and Dentre. They heard Paul confess to the plot by the International Association of Realtors and are understandably angry.)

SHAG: Why man? You dragged us in on this and lied the whole time! That is sooooo unhip.

DENTRE: This is below the Association. We’d never have helped you!

PAUL: That’s why I lied to you. Sniff.

(Paul wipes his runny nose.)

PAUL: Just think. If we had that…

(He points over to the cannon.)

PAUL: It wouldn’t matter how much glass Quincy broke. We could fool anyone into buying anything!

DENTRE: That’s not honest!

PAUL: Are you KIDDING ME?! Realtors keep the buyers from REALLY knowing the condition of properties until they sign those contracts. We keep the buyers away from the sellers so all the problems with the property are kept in the closet until AFTER the sale…

DENTRE: That’s not the same thing!

(Paul gives up on the conversation and distracts the pair.)

PAUL: … Oh my God! What’s this?!

(Paul points and Shag and Dentre turn and look up. Paul snatches the remote to MaryAnn from Dentre’s back pocket and runs off.)

ERIC: Faggot!

(Eric, leader of the group of COBALT troops that crashed the party so recently, punches a Chris clone, then neatly spins in the same movement and punches one of the few remaining redneck clones. He looks up and sees the professor at the T.A.C., which is ponderously moving, aiming toward the crowd of fighters.)

ERIC: Freeze!

(The professor looks up at whoever yelled at him and sees Eric.)

PROFESSOR: What are you going to do about it G.I. Joe?

(Eric moves forward cautiously.)

ERIC: I hereby seize this weapon for the government.

PROFESSOR: I AM the government, idiot! We are on the same side.

ERIC: Our agency wants that weapon intact. Don’t fire it. It’s not safe without the proper insulation.

PROFESSOR: And how would YOU know that?

(Eric slips Paul White’s book out of one of his fatigue pockets and waves it.)

PROFESSOR: Oh. Well, too bad. My agency built it. My agency paid for it. My agency moved heaven and earth to get it to this point, and some Johnny-come-lately isn’t going to take it away!

(At this point, Paul, who is fleeing with the control to Dentre’s balloon, MaryAnn, collides with Eric. Eric, irritated, shoves him out of the way. Paul lands on the controls and activates the balloon’s weapons system.)

PAUL: Oops.

PROFESSOR: So Larry here is going to use his power to transform everyone here into puppies or something with the use of MY weapon, then the world is mine!

(The professor finishes his speech and shoves Larry’s head into the mind-power harness.)

PROFESSOR: What the Clinton?!

(Larry isn’t there anymore. There is some other kid.)

PROFESSOR: Who the hell are you?!

LARRY: I’m Reece. I’m Stubby’s son. This looks cool. Can I play with it?

(The professor looks around and shoves Larry off the platform.)

PROFESSOR: If you need something done right, you have to kill everyone first.

(The professor puts his head in the harness and hits the button. He begins to think about killing everyone else in the cave. This is the moment the balloon high drops its bombs. There is a massive explosion above the cave and everyone looks up. The ceiling of cavern crashes in, and millions of gallons of water come pouring down.)

LARRY: Nathan! Wake up!

(Larry, who has changed his appearance back to his own, is slapping Nathan awake.)

NATHAN: The toilet!

LARRY: No, the ceiling! Get up!

(The two get up just as the water comes crashing down. The professor has just hit the fire button when the Thought Amplification Cannon is hit with the water. The cannon sparks and goes haywire. Electricity, along with the thoughts that the professor was sending out, flows back and reverses itself into the mind-power harness and right into the professor.)

(End of Part One)

(Part Two by Chris McGinty)


CHRIS: What the fuck is going on?

NATHAN: There was an explosion…

CHRIS: No, no, no! Why the fuck didn’t I have a single line for an entire part?

NATHAN: Can we please stay on topic here for a moment?

CHRIS: Sure. Then you’re going to explain why I had no lines.

NATHAN: We’ve been unconscious since you and Larry used your reality altering powers to save us from those random robots. The cave is flooding. We need to wake Miguel, and probably start swimming pretty soon after that.

(They find Miguel. They remove his thumb from his mouth and slap him awake.)

MIGUEL: I was dreaming the worst dream where I was being beaten down by a pack of wild hyenas with chips on their shoulders.

NATHAN: That is terrible.

MIGUEL: I know. I had French dip, and they wouldn’t share.

(Miguel looks around at the water accumulating around him. He sits up.)

MIGUEL: I’m gathering that our situation is worse than my dream.

NATHAN: Yeah, slightly.

(Miguel stands. And they wait for the water to rise far enough that they have to start treading to stay afloat. They look around and see pretty much everyone, except for the various clones, treading water.)

NATHAN: Where’s Larry?

(They look to the T.A.C. The platform is just above the waterline now.)

NATHAN: Larry! Swim out here! We’ll help you stay afloat if you get tired.

LARRY: What about the professor? He’s completely incoherent! He’ll drown!

(Nathan, Chris, and Miguel swim over. They try to get the professor free from the T.A.C. hook ups, but the water overtakes them too quickly. They’re treading above the submerged professor now.)

NATHAN: We can’t do anything. We have to conserve our energy until we can get to the top of the cave and get out.

(It’s at this time that rafts start dropping down into the cave.)

MIGUEL: Where in Obama Land are those coming from?

(Fluffy, the unicorn, dives into the water from the caves above.)

CHRIS: You survived the ATW HQ being destroyed?

FLUFFY: I was at the basketball court. I was injured, but not killed.

CHRIS: You didn’t call?

FLUFFY: I’ve been busy with unicorn funerals. There have been a lot lately.

(They all look at Nathan.)

NATHAN: Sorry.

(They start climbing into the nearest raft. Everyone else is also climbing into the rafts nearest them.)

LARRY: I must go get the professor!

NATHAN: No! Larry!

(Larry has already gone underwater.)

FLUFFY: I’ll help him. I was only here to explain that this cave is under Six Flags, specifically the water ride with the rafts, and that’s how you’re conveniently saved.

(Fluffy goes underwater.)

CHRIS: Great! Now you’ve gotten Fluffy killed!

NATHAN: He’s not dead yet! Emphasis on yet.

(They watch as Fluffy and Larry struggle to save the professor. Just when things seem hopeless, they come floating to the surface with the professor, who in spite of his shock from having the cannon rebound on him, gasps for air. Miguel helps Chris and Nathan into the raft as Larry is helped into a nearby raft.)

NATHAN: See, Fluffy made it.

(They turn to help Fluffy into the raft, when suddenly the cave shakes again. Some loose rock breaks off and falls toward the water. One cracks Fluffy right on the head.)

FLUFFY: I lived a magical life…

NATHAN: Noooooooooooooooo!

(End Episode Forty-Nine)

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