Another “What If…” Question about Enjoying Sex (They’re Obsessed!)

by Chris McGinty of

I did a review a while back of an app called “What if…” I
mentioned that I’d downloaded it again to use the questions as writing prompts.
Google Play link. This question came up when I started the app:

What if…
you have twice as great sex every
you have to have sex every day,
or you will die.
Yes or No.
The first thing that I would like
to state emphatically is that the poster of this question used a comma. It’s
the little things. I’m not even sure if that comma is necessary. I’m just glad
it’s there.
The second thing I’d like to
state emphatically – which is a word that I’m now misusing since I’m not really
that emphatic about this – I wrote a blog post a while ago that was also sex enjoyment related. You can read it if you’d like.
The Monkey’s Paw
(If you’re unfamiliar with this
story, you should listen to it.
First off, it’s a good story
Second, it’ll help you get a joke
I’m going to make later.
By the way, It’s not that good of
a joke if you’re not interested in the story.)
The third thing I’m even less
emphatically “stating emphatically” is that 53% of the answerers said yes to
this question. We now know how to lower the population. Find a way to give
everyone this option and the people who don’t really think about the long term repercussions
will die off the moment that they’re just not in the mood. It’s going to be
mass graves though. I just want you to understand that fact before you start
looking for the Satanic magic that will make this possible.
You remember I mentioned that mildly humourous joke referring to “The Monkey’s Paw.” It’s next paragraph. What if the joke could be twice as funny every time, but you had to read… nevermind. Bad idea.
Ok, why do I always get so dark
about these questions? I think I’ve just watched too many episodes of “The
Twilight Zone.” I think I just presume that every what if scenario is going to
end with me using the monkey’s paw to undo everything.

I’m not really too sure why these
questioners are so obsessed with having sex that is twice as good as normal.
Sex is pretty fucking nice to begin with. Why does it have to be through the
roof good? Meaning that they’ll be able to hear you through the roof… of the
space station, because you’ll be so emphatically enjoying the sex. Sex is
great. I’m not sure I could handle super-great, especially not every day.
And that brings me to the true
flaw of this question. We all believe that we would love to have sex every day
until we’re having sex every day. Then sometimes we want to take a break.
Imagine not being able to ever take a break, because death. Even exercising
nuts want a day off. Speaking of exercising nuts, I’m pretty sure they would want
a day off too. That wasn’t a redundant statement.
I’m just not ok with the idea
that if I got really sick that someone would have to wake me every day to
change my IV and ride me cowgirl style. I’m sick. Leave me to die. And that’s
why my answer to the question is no.
Chris McGinty is a blogger who
has never been very good at streak habits.

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