by Chris McGinty
You may notice that it’s been a long time since I did a blog post answering a dilemma from the What If… app. This is because I never post to the blog anymore, dummy. It’s the same reason why I haven’t ever followed up on Blog Advice. Actually, that’s because I’ve had no ideas. The point is that What If… is gone, but that’s not the reason I haven’t done it in a while.
My interest in this stupid, stupid app started with a surprisingly deep question, so I think I’m going to try to go out with something trying to be deep as well. Aside from not writing so much over the last few years, I was taking a little break from doing the What If… blog posts. I think some of my funniest writing has come from answering juvenile user submitted questions, but I felt like it could be overdone, I felt like it was a little extra work putting those posts together, and I was just a little bit bored with the questions. This happened in cycles. I did six of them in 2019, took a break in 2020, did four of them in 2021, and then took a break again. It seems like there were only so many I could do in a given stretch.
The problem is that sometime between the last cycle of enjoyment and my interest renewing again, the app is no longer supported. Now, I sort of wish that I had more time with it. I wish I had saved some questions along the way, so that I could have continued to use them as prompts well into the future. Well, so that I could have fed the questions to Chat-GPT to see if it could make heads or tails out of the 12-year-old’s logic that formed many of these questions. Ok fine, I enjoyed trying to figure these stupid things out.
Just as a proper send off, I’m going to think of a really juvenile question that one might have found on the app. Let’s see…
What if…
you can have sex every day
But…
you think they ugly af
I’m telling you, most of the questions were at that level of thought.
So, then I would formulate a few thoughts. The first is that no one has sex every day, because even David Duchovny probably got bored of orgasming at some point in his life. He probably just wanted to read “War and Peace” and let his dick rest. Second, not being twelve years old, and insecure about ever losing my virginity, I’m aware that all of us can attract someone we find attractive. There really is someone for everybody, so I wouldn’t need to settle for someone who came with a dowry of paper bags. Unless she has a magical pussy. Wait. Now that I’m thinking about this. I fake generated this user submitted question. I can change it if I want. Let’s try it this way.
What if…
you girl be ugly af and want it every day
But…
her vagina is all magical and shit
Now we’re talking. She’s not much to look at, but my dick is going to feel 100 times better than anyone else having sex anywhere on the planet. And every day. And other guys wouldn’t know about her magical va-jay-jay, and all they’re thinking is, “What does he see in her?” It’s perfect. Unless it’s necro magic. Ugh. No no no. I don’t want to be using undead Viagra for the rest of my life. I need to change it again to “her vagina is all magical and shit, in a good way.” There we go. Everything is perfect now. No problems anymore. Ugly wife, next level genitalia. Unless she predeceases me. If she were to tragically die, I could never go back to regular old pussy. It just wouldn’t be as good. I would be forever longing for the supernatural cooch and getting plain Jane. I would never be fulfilled again. I would be… David Duchovny! Nevermind. It’s just not worth it.
Supernatural cooch… And people are wondering why this app was no longer supported.
You see. I might have sometimes not been in the mood to engage with the nonsense that surrounded the What If… app, but I will always remember it fondly. I said I would pretend to be deep. We all have a limited time in this life. Technically, I have no evidence that I’m not immortal, but just in case we’ll say, “we all.” You may sometimes get frustrated with those you love. You might even get frustrated with their dumbass thought processes. But you might wake up one day wishing to engage with their special form of drama and bullshit, and they might be gone forever. Whether it’s the love of your life, your best friend, or a stupid app, don’t take for granted that they’ll always be there.
Chris McGinty is a blogger as he was writing all of that stuff at the end, “Destination Unknown” by Missing Persons came on. It must mean something.