I Knew This Guy Was Basically Inept

by Chris McGinty

It’s January 20, 2025, and I have only one thing on my mind. I don’t know if it’s on everyone’s mind, but it really should be. This shit has been going on too long to be forgivable at this point. Some real action needs to be taken against this inept, dumbass, so ignorant that he should be considered criminal, part of the real problem in this country, systemically problematic moron, Miguel.

Yeah, I said it. Miguel just doesn’t know what’s going on. He knows nothing of current events. He’s stuck in the 90s. It’s all about Spielberg and Tarantino and grunge music. And to make matters worse… and this is the big one, folks. Prepare yourself. He apparently doesn’t know how I’ve been doing the tabs on my soda cans for the last twenty years.

So back in the 90s, someone had taught me this odd trick where you break the tab off of your soda can and hook it to the groove in your finger and flick it across the room at an accelerated rate. So for a decidedly short period of time when I moved over to cans from 20 oz. bottles, I would not have a tab on my can because I flicked it across the room. There were a lot of flabbergasted people who would find these things later and wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

Then I was hanging out with this guy named Matt. Well, Matt also pulled his tabs off his cans, but it wasn’t to do the cool flicking trick. It was simply so that he could tell his drink from other people’s drinks, which didn’t work when I was around. And since we both drank Dr. Pepper, there was just no way to deal with this unless one of us stopped pulling the tabs off. This is when I started using the leaving the tab in the fully erect position after opening the can rather than pushing it back down.

This picture symbolically represents Miguel and me. He’s the cracker.

I’ve been doing this for two decades now. I’ve experienced on a few occasions where I’ve accidentally picked up someone else’s drink and because the tab didn’t brush against my nose, I stopped short of taking a drink. That’s how ingrained this is in my habits now. If I don’t experience something fully erect brushing against my nose when I’m about to experience oral pleasure from sweet nectar entering my mouth, then I will not swallow. To be clear, we’re still talking about drinking soda.

The point is that Miguel and I have spent so little time in person over the last twenty years that he was confused by the fact that I hadn’t removed the tab from my drink. What kind of friend is he? That was so 90s. The only time I’ve removed a tab any time recently was just to show people what I mean by flicking the tab across the room. Miguel should know this, but he’s not qualified for this position. Should we really trust him with anything at this point. I mean, I guess I’ll give him a chance, but if he doesn’t prove to be a better friend over the next four years, I’m just going to have to give up on him entirely.

Chris McGinty is a blogger who doesn’t flick his tab the way he used to back in the 90s. To be clear, we’re still talking about drinking soda.

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