by Chris McGinty
Today is Supper Big Sunday, the second day of the year where people eat too much, but unlike Thanksgiving are also more likely to openly drink too much. I see you Aunt Ida with your flask of whiskey. I don’t have an Aunt Ida. I do have a cousin Vinnie, but I haven’t seen him in real life since he was two years old, so do I?
Last year, I wrote a blog post about the political conspiracies believed to surround the Stupid Big. The problem this year is that the Commander in Chief has changed, and the eagle was one of the symbols of the Nazi party. It just doesn’t fit into a conspiracy since Trump is more like Mussolini, and even if we wanted to assign the Nazi thing to Trump he would represent both teams. So no conspiracies this year to predict the winners.
Instead, what I’m going to do is give you a play by play of the game from my perspective. A reaction blog post to the… oh my god. If Donald Trump is the real president then it’ll be the Chiefs. If Elon Musk is the real president it’ll be the Eagles. Yea! Super Conspiracy Sunday!
It’s 4:53 pm. As I understand it, the game starts at 5:30 pm. That may or may not be true. I have a lot of money riding on this game. In fact, my first delivery was a $7.14 tip. Not that I’m writing at work. Let’s be very clear about that.
Oh, you thought I was talking about gambling. I’m not betting on the game, other than the reasoned bet that I’ll make enough money to cover gas and wear and tear on my car. But if I was betting it would be the Eagles to win because I believe they’re under par. The coin flip will last 1 minute and 29 seconds and the National Anthem will land on tails.
When I get home I’ll probably post Joey Belladonna of Anthrax preforming the National Anthem at some sport thing. He did a good job.
It’s 6:26 pm. The game is well under way now. I’m basing that on one of my co-workers seems to be listening to it on his phone. I don’t know. Is there a hockey game today? Is he even into hockey? So many unanswered questions.
Speaking of unanswered questions, it’s 6:43 pm now and I’m taking my sixth order of the evening. This might be more than I had taken by this time last Buper Sowl. It might also be fewer. And if I’m being honest, it might be the same number. I don’t remember.
It’s 7:00 pm, and it’s 35 to 7. What? Which team is winning? No. I’ve made $35 to 7 deliveries. Keep up.
Big halftime news. Half of my time at work can easily be spent on dishes, especially on a busy night like tonight. Well, I have the dishes caught up as I leave for this delivery. I feel like listening to Kendrick Lamar for some reason.
Score! I got a $10 tip. I would have been very mad if he hadn’t tipped, given that he drives a new Corvette.
It’s 8:57 pm now. Based on what I think the average football game length is, it should be over by now. I would like to congratulate the Eagles on their victory, since all my predictions come true. I’d also like to congratulate President Harris for getting Travis Kelce’s approval for being at the game when he said, “It’s awesome. It’s a great honor. No matter who the president is, I’m excited because it’s the biggest game of my life. And having the president there, you know, it’s the best country in the world.” I hope she enjoyed the game.
And I hope you enjoyed my reaction to the big game. It might of helped if people would have said anything to me about the game throughout the evening, but you got my unfiltered thoughts on what I knew as it happened. Maybe one of these years when I don’t deliver pizza, I could watch the game and react. Sports fans might like that better.
Chris McGinty is a delivery driver and dare I say honorary sports correspondent. At this point, I basically am, right?