(Part One by Nathan Stout)
[INT – DAY – NATHAN’S HOUSE]
(Nathan is sitting on the couch. The original, less detailed, script doesn’t clarify what he’s doing, so we presume he is staring blankly forward. There is a knock on door. Nathan concludes his blank staring session and answers it. Chris is there.)
NATHAN: Hey, what’s up? Come in.
(Nathan swings the door open, and instantly Chris is already on the couch. Nathan looks puzzled, and wonders whether he dozed off for a few seconds. He shuts the door and walks in, and takes a seat on the couch.)
CHRIS: Something has happened.
NATHAN: What? Did all your ex’s come begging to have you back?
NATHAN: Were you discovered when a famous publisher saw a scrap of note paper that you had written a grocery list on that fell out of that moving garbage can you call a car and now he wants to publish you?
NATHAN: Did you miss some payment and need some money? Geeze, I need to be licensed by the government for all the loan transactions I have to do with you.
(Nathan starts pulling out his wallet.)
CHRIS: No, no. Listen.
(Nathan freezes and points his ears around the room.)
NATHAN: It’s just the cat licking its…
CHRIS: No, listen to me. Something happened. I’ve been up for about 36 hours and at about 11:00 this morning I noticed something happened to me.
NATHAN: Well, I can’t say I’m completely surprised. Dementia was bound to set in after years of sleepless nights in the pursuit of The Sims, Magic Online, and whatever else it is you do all night long.
(Nathan gets up and heads into the kitchen. Chris is already standing by the refrigerator. Nathan does not notice, and opens the refrigerator door.)
NATHAN: I mean, I told you time after time you need eight hours of sleep and you need a schedule. I don’t care what some crackpot said in some book.
CHRIS: What did you say? What was that word?
NATHAN: Which one?
CHRIS: The one about me needing eight hours of sleep and a what?
CHRIS: You, of all people, should know how to properly pronounce that. I mean, years and years of channel 13 on the weekends.
NATHAN: Sorry, schedule.
CHRIS: Good boy, Captain Picard would be pleased.
(Nathan gets a drink and walks to his room.)
NATHAN: But honestly what…
(As Nathan walks into his room, Chris is already there sitting on the bed. Nathan stops and looks back behind him.)
NATHAN: What the Clinton?
CHRIS: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Something happened to me.
(Nathan runs back to the kitchen. Chris is standing there. He runs back to the room. Chris is sitting there.)
NATHAN: How? What?
CHRIS: My metabolism has finally overloaded after 18 years of non-stop Dr. Peppers.
(Part Two by Chris McGinty)
(Nathan backs away and trips backwards. Chris is there to catch him.)
NATHAN: You’re not kidding. I thought maybe you and your brother were playing some cruel joke on me.
CHRIS: My brother isn’t as cute as me. It would have never worked.
NATHAN: So let me get this straight, and since it feels like we’ve suddenly changed writers I hope I do. After years of Dr. Pepper consumption, you have finally experienced something other than tooth decay.
CHRIS: So far so good.
NATHAN: This experience has given you some sort of super hero like power to move quicker than the eye.
CHRIS: I think that’s what you were getting at.
NATHAN: Wow. Do you realize what we could do with this?
CHRIS: Two things occur to me. We could use this power for good, and stop accidents and such.
CHRIS: Or we could utilize it for many evil and self-serving deeds that we’ll regret at the end of this sketch.
NATHAN: Now you’re talking.
CHRIS: You’ve got the brains. I’ve got the looks.
NATHAN: And the super speed. So where do we start?
CHRIS: I figured you might have some ideas.
NATHAN: None. You certainly have had a little longer to think about this.
CHRIS: I don’t know. Why don’t we make a list of five evil things and five self-serving things we could do with my newfound power.
NATHAN: You and your lists. I don’t want to make a list. Let’s just do something evil and self-serving.
CHRIS: Like what?
NATHAN: Oh, I don’t know! Just come back tomorrow, and bring your precious list.
[INT – DAY – NATHAN’S HOUSE ]
(It is the next day. Nathan answers the phone.)
CHRIS (over phone): Are you ready for me to come over?
(There is a knock at the door.)
NATHAN: … just give me a few minutes to tidy up. Sigh
(Nathan answers the door. Chris walks in with a piece of paper in his hand. He’s wearing safety goggles.)
CHRIS: Bugs are a bitch.
NATHAN: I can only imagine.
CHRIS: Well I have my list. Let’s compare.
NATHAN: I didn’t make a list.
CHRIS: So I did all the work?
NATHAN: I just figured your list would be better since you know the extent of your power.
CHRIS: I guess we really don’t need my list then.
(Before Nathan can say, “Chris wait,” they are in a storm of confetti.)
NATHAN: You know, I can see how rash decisions could become part of your life now. What did you have on the list?
CHRIS: What list?
NATHAN: The one you just shredded.
CHRIS: I don’t remember.
NATHAN: Oh come on.
CHRIS: Have you ever seen Phenomenon?
NATHAN: Why yes… Oh, are you saying that your mind is also working too fast for you to keep up with your thoughts?
CHRIS: No, I just like the movie.
NATHAN: Would you stop this? What was on your list?
CHRIS: What list?
NATHAN: Oh, screw this. Go home. Call me tomorrow when you’re not being a prick.
[INT – NIGHT – NATHAN’S HOUSE]
(Nathan calls Miguel.)
NATHAN: Miguel, I need your advice.
NATHAN: Chris has this amazing power to move faster than the eye can see. We want to use it for evil and self-serving things, but neither of us can think of anything to do.
NATHAN: Well, I was hoping you had some ideas.
MIGUEL: Who me?
NATHAN: Miguel, this is serious.
MIGUEL: Uh huh.
NATHAN: I need ideas.
MIGUEL: And I don’t have any. Why are you bothering me?
NATHAN: Come on Miguel. What would you do if you could move faster than the eye?
MIGUEL: Probably stay at home with my wife, and surf the internet.
NATHAN: If you could move faster than the eye? You would stay at home?
MIGUEL: Listen, you and Chris figure it out. I didn’t care the last time either.
NATHAN: Last time? What last time?
(Miguel is silent.)
NATHAN: Miguel what last time?
MIGUEL: Are you still on the phone? What do you want?
NATHAN: What last time!
MIGUEL: Chris came over. He had somehow adapted the ability to fly, and deflect bullets. He wanted me to come up with some ideas as to what we could do. I was like, “I don’t know. I’m downloading some Superman outtakes,” and he’s all like, “Look at me I’m Chris and I’m living Superman, blah, blah, blah.” You know how he gets all self-important. So he got all mad because I was downloading the movie. He finally got up, and left saying something about doing it all on his own, and that he didn’t need me, and a bunch of crap like that.
NATHAN: Why didn’t you call me?
MIGUEL: This was at nine o’ clock at night. You were probably already in bed.
NATHAN: Yeah, probably. So what happened?
MIGUEL: Chris left that night and stopped a robbery in Haltom City. He got in the way of a cop and a bullet. He saved the cop’s life, and caught the criminal.
NATHAN: Wow. That’s amazing. Why didn’t he do more things like that?
MIGUEL: He got pulled over the next day while delivering pizza, by the same cop who he saved. The cop ticketed him for 2 miles over the speed limit, and failing to signal a lane change. Chris went home after work, fell into a deep depression, and his super powers went away.
NATHAN: That’s crazy.
MIGUEL: Yeah. Can I get back to watching “The Sopranos” now?
(Having sufficiently dated the script, and showing how long ago this crap was started, Miguel goes back to watching something far more recent like, uh, hmm. Is “Friends” still on? Eh, lets set up for the next episode by using the actual first line of the next section Nathan wrote. Nathan hangs up. Looks thoughtful then dashes for his keys then the door.)
(End Episode One)