Flash Ahhhh!: Episode Four – Class Dismissed

by the According To Whim .com crew

(This Episode by Nathan Stout)


The trio walks down the hall and into the lecture theater, which is halfway filled with gangly, nerdy looking rejects.

MIGUEL: Now this is great.

CHRIS: This is just you living out your fantasy of “Freaks and Geeks.” I was more of a “Degrassi Junior High” sort of kid.

NATHAN: I was a “You Can’t Do That on Television” kind of kid. I knew Alanis before the meltdown.

CHRIS: Name dropper.

(A nerdy young kid who looks like Beans Baxter walks up to the group.)

NERD: Are you here for the Super Power class?

(All three guys answer, “Yes,” in a “Three Stooges”-like manner; with one person saying, “Yes,” in a higher tone than the last.)

NERD: Are you registered for class?

(Chris turns slightly, and then, in a flash, turns back.)

CHRIS: Nathan, what’s your social security number?


MIGUEL: What’s that?

NATHAN: It’s a vanity Social Security Number.

(Chris turns slightly, and then, in a flash, turns back.)

CHRIS: Sorry, my application took a little longer since I had more paper work to fill out. Miguel’s info transferred from UNT, and apparently, Nathan is a Gold Member here so his stuff was mostly pre-filled. By the way…

(Chris hands Nathan a business card-sized ticket with several holes punched in it.)

CHRIS: Two more semesters and you get automatically elected to the board of regents.

(He turns to the Nerd.)

CHRIS: All registered.

NERD: Then come in.


(They each take a chair about mid-way up the rows of seats. A professor walks up to the podium looking every bit the intellectual.)

PROFESSOR: Now class, welcome to “The Super Hero 101.” Before we begin I am going to turn on a dampening field. It helps by taking the distractions out of the lessons.

(The professor flips a switch on the wall. The puddle of water on the far right front desk turns back into a pimply youth, and an overweight woman falls from her perch on the coat rack where she had been a bright red cardinal. Once order is restored the professor begins).

PROFESSOR: Welcome class. Today, I am going to give you the basics of your responsibility to society. I will also teach you how to use your powers to get ahead in life.

CHRIS: This is what I’m talking about.

PROFESSOR: You have been given a great gift. You will be able to use it to better yourself and everyone around you.

MIGUEL: Pshaw.

PROFESSOR: I will teach you how to profit immensely from your gifts in a way that is legal and ethical.

MIGUEL: Well… maybe.

NATHAN: Hells yeah.

PROFESSOR: At the end of the class you will each come up here and register with the government agency that tracks super powers as well.

NATHAN: At the end of class? This is only one class long?

(The professor looks a little annoyed at the outburst, but answers the question.)


MIGUEL: Sweet.

PROFESSOR: All the benefits I have stated can be yours, and you will prosper with your powers. Today, I am going to give you the outline for a service we offer with our ten week private course entitled, “The Powerful and the Profitable.”

(Chris raises his hand. The professor nods.)

CHRIS: You said earlier that you were going to tell us how to get ahead in life with our powers today.

PROFESSOR: I didn’t say today. I just said I was going to tell you how to do it… if you sign up for our course.

CHIRS: How much is it?

PROFESSOR: Forty-nine ninety-nine.

(Chris looks acansed as a collective exhale reverbs throughout the room.)

PROFESSOR: Fifty dollars is nothing compared to the life long lessons you will learn.

MIGUEL: Excuse me. Can we just fill out the government paperwork and go?

PROFESSOR: Sorry, you have to stay for the whole class.

CHRIS: How long is this class?

PROFESSOR: Six hours.

(Nathan raises his hand.)


NATHAN: Is this a credit course that will go on our transcripts?


(Nathan smiles. Chris and Miguel bury their heads in their hands.)



(Several hours have passed. Miguel and Chris have both laid their heads on their respective desks. Miguel is in an ever increasing pool of slobber and Chris is carving the names of the members of Duran Duran into the desktop. Nathan is paying rapt attention to the professor.)

PROFESSOR: And that raps it up. If you will please, form a line at my desk, and I will get you all to fill out the registration paperwork.

(The professor flips the dampening filed off, and Chris is instantly standing in front of the professor.)

PROFESSOR: Super speed, eh? That’s rather a rare power.

CHRIS: Really?

(Nathan nudges Miguel awake. They join Chris at the professor’s desk, and all three sign the government super power registration paperwork.)


(Miguel stretches as Chris opens the door to his Daytona and Nathan squeezes into the back, growling all the while.)

NATHAN: If you could only hear what I’m thinking.

CHRIS: No thanks. There are a few places in this world I wouldn’t care to delve into, and one of them is your mind.

MIGUEL: What a fucking waste of a day! Take me home.

CHRIS: Not so fast.

CHRIS: Yes so fast.

CHRIS: Not so fast.

CHRIS: Yes so fast.

CHRIS: Do you mind?


CHRIS: I’m hungry.

(There is a dead silence with the exception of the traffic buzzing back and forth on I-20.)

MIGUEL: Did he just say what I thought he said?

NATHAN: Hang on.

(Nathan pauses while he uses his power to wander past things too twisted to mention here in print in Miguel’s mind.)

NATHAN: Well you thought he said he was hungry.

(Nathan turns to Chris and wanders through the catalog of Duran Duran songs playing simultaneously in Chris’s mind.)

NATHAN: Yes that’s what he said. Or at least he thought it. I didn’t quite hear him.

MIGUEL: You haven’t eaten since high school. You live off of Dr. Pepper.

NATHAN: Yeah, and if you eat regular food you might slow that metabolism down.

CHRIS: Nah. I’m gonna run across the freeway to that Taco Hell and grab something for us. Be back in a blink.

(Chris dashes off, but he only gets about 200 feet when he goes flying across the parking lot as if he was thrown out of a moving vehicle. He rolls to the ground.)

NATHAN: Ouchie!

(Miguel and Nathan take off towards him when a black van skids nearby, the rear doors opening. Two men in black jump out. They pick up the unconscious Chris and haul him into the van. A third man, sitting on the roof of the van with something that looks similar to a megaphone, jumps into the van too.)

MIGUEL: What the hell?!

NATHAN: It’s a rape van!

MIGUEL: That guy on top had one of those super power dampening things. They used it on Chris.


(Nathan concentrates on the van as is tears rubber out of the lot.)

MIGUEL: Could you read their thoughts?

NATHAN: Yes. A little bit at least.

MIGUEL: A little bit?

NATHAN: Well, enough to make this story slightly interesting.

MIGUEL: Let’s go get him back!

(End Episode Four)

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