(Part One by Nathan Stout)
[INT – NATHAN’S HOUSE – DAY]
(Nathan sits, hands over his eyes, in front of his computer.)
WIFEY: What is it?
NATHAN: My brain.
WIFEY: You have a headache from breaking the newly discovered fifth wall?
NATHAN: No. I’ve just read Chris’s part of the latest Flash episode and my brain hurts.
WIFEY: What did he do this time? More unicorns? That fucker.
NATHAN: I mean when did we start caring about continuity?
(Nathan is handed a Dr. Pepper by his roommate Twin… Twin is his name. He is not Nathan’s twin.)
TWIN: You better stop with this “wall breaking” you are going to create a black hole or something.
NATHAN: I was so lost in the first place that I had to go back and re-read all the previous episodes. Now I am going to have to do it again!
WIFEY: Nah, just jump in and start writing.
NATHAN: But you don’t understand. In a writer’s meeting we had last week Chris revealed to me his ultimate plans for “Flash Ahhhh!” All this has been is one of Chris’s writing projects and I’m the patsy.
TWIN: What ever do you mean?
NATHAN: He thought, “I’ll write a story and have Nathan come in each week and try to fuck it up, and I will use my masterly skills at writing to continue it in my own fashion.” I’m just a tool!
NATHAN: Shut it!
(Nathan grabs the laptop and starts typing furiously.)
NATHAN: I’ll show him!
WIFEY: What are you going to do?
NATHAN: You remember that short lived TV series from the 80s called “War of the Worlds?”
NATHAN: Remember what happened between Season 1 and Season 2?
TWIN: Yes, who doesn’t? Never happened before in a series.
WIFEY: Well, “Seaquest” sort of did it years later.
NATHAN: But not like “War of the Worlds…” Game on.
[EXT – EARTH – DAY]
(An announcer narrates over scenes of a scorched Earth.)
ANNOUNCER: Earth: 2147. The legacy of the metal wars, when man fought machines and machines won.
(Nathan steps out of the ruins in a techno-looking suit.)
NATHAN: Power On!
(There is a dazzle of light and Nathan’s techno suit is now shiny battle armor.)
NATHAN: Soldiers of the Future, form up!
(From the distance there is sound like an electronic horse, and then an electronic drum sound as a definitively 80s sounding theme starts up.)
CHRIS: Here I come!
CHOURUS: Saberrrrr Riderrrrrr!!!!
(A robotic horse shows up with Chris on it. He is wearing a funky robotic costume.)
CHORUS: Umm HA! Umm HA! Umm HA! Umm HA! Umm! The Transformers… HA! Umm HA! More than meets the eye!
(Miguel drives in and hops out of a yellow VW Beetle just as it transforms into a robot.)
MIGUEL: I’m here!
(The three from up in a dramatic fashion.)
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: You will NEVER defeat me!
(On a dramatically lit rise stands Ole Pillowcase Head surrounded by his poorly drawn minions.)
NATHAN, CHRIS, MIGUEL: Powers of light! Powers unite!
NATHAN, MIGUEL, CHRIS: Power Squad!
(Nathan, Chris, and Miguel are now clad in multi-colored costumes reminiscent of Power Rangers but even more gay.)
NATHAN: Let’s go!
(Nathan is suddenly slapped across the face VERY hard.)
(Chris stands over him looking at the computer screen.)
CHRIS: What are you doing?!
NATHAN: I’m writing the next part of Flash!
CHRIS: No you’re not, you are fucking around.
NATHAN: Exactly. That’s what you want. Now you can write this shit back into your writing project.
(Chris is silent for a long time.)
CHRIS: Yeah, you are right.
(End of Part One)
(Part Two by… well, the important writer)
CHRIS: You know, except the part where you’re not right.
CHRIS: I have no idea where this story is going. I don’t have a grand plan. I never revealed to you my ultimate plans for “Flash Ahhhh!”
NATHAN: But… wait, then what did you say?
REECE: It’s Larry.
LARRY: He said that he was paying attention to the approximate flow of a three act structure. Not that he had some grand vision for the story.
OLE PILLOWCASE HEAD: Yeah, we just spent a good portion of Act Two focused on the storyline that involved me, and I was your idea.
PAUL: And I was in a set of notes that you wrote in one of the early episodes, along with notes about the shop, the water gardens, Quincy, and conventions. Most of which have been written.
ANGELINA: And I was your creation too.
NATHAN: No, honey, it’s not like that. I just wanted a strong female lead. Great! Now you guys got me in trouble.
CHRIS: So Nathan, now do you understand? We’ve shared this story. I’ve followed your lead in many cases. The only thing I was looking at was the approximate number of episodes we should go before there was some sort of shift, whether minor or not so minor, in the narrative. Even Reece here was just an idea…
LARRY: My name is Larry.
CHRIS: … yes, of course it isn’t. Even Reece was just an idea that if I found a way to work him in I would work him in, and if I didn’t then oh well. And it was your part of an earlier episode that gave me the way to bring him in.
MIGUEL: In essence, what we’re all trying to say Nathan is that this is really your story. The original sketch was your idea. Most of the plot points are plot points that you came up with. Most of the characters are characters you came up with.
SHAG: Except for the hippie characters.
CHRIS: The only thing that I’ve done is noted characters and incidents along the way that might be useful in a future episode. One of the alleged rules of fiction is that if there is a gun mentioned in the first act that it should go off in the third act. I’ve only been careful to not let too many things from the first act be left forgotten and unresolved.
NATHAN: Oh. I guess when I was reading through the first 26 episodes it slipped right by me that most of the time Chris was maintaining a basic status quo with the major plot points by shifting action, setting, and character while waiting for me to actually use characters like the professor, Dentre, and Stubby to explain my plot. Because it’s mostly my plot when you see that the following were all my ideas: the original concept, the professor, the government being after Chris, Paul, Angelina, the shop, the water gardens, Quincy, Six Flags, Hangman’s, Stubby, the casino, and even the dream sequence that nullified one of Chris’s episodes early on that Chris has now used as a way to bring back two of the very few characters he actually came up with, especially since I ignored Dorothy and her gang and blew up all the unicorns and board members that were in the According To Whim HQ. I see now that if I really was a tool for Chris’s writing project, for a blog that was my idea to start, that Chris would actually be nullifying my plot and characters rather than attempting to enhance them. And I thoroughly apologize for overreacting.
LARRY: Oh good, then perhaps we can get on with our tale.
(Chris shoots Larry in the gut with a crossbow.)
LARRY: What did you do that for?
CHRIS: Because Nathan doesn’t like these dream sequences (I think the term he used was “sloppy”) so we should wake up and go about the business of continuing the plot.
(The world slips back into focus and we find Chris, Nathan, Miguel, Larry, Shag, Dentre, and Stubby sitting in the room that once acted like their jail. They all look exhausted.)
SHAG: I personally love those vision quest sequences. They’re better than hashish.
MIGUEL: So what do we do now?
CHRIS: I’m not sure. I guess the questions that needed to be answered prior to this long self-reflective interlude were: Is Stubby still a threat? Is Quincy still a threat? Are Quincy and Stubby still in cahoots? Can Larry and Dentre (who both seem to have an inkling of what the various villains are up to) shed some light as to what is actually going on?
MIGUEL: Hmmm. Exciting. I can’t wait to find out.
(On the next episode of…)
Chorus: Flash! Ahhhh!
(End Episode Thirty-Two)