(Part One by Nathan Stout)
[INT. COBALT VAN INT. COBALT C-130 – DAY]
(Garrett, dressed in military garb, posing as a COBALT troop… some black ops group of the government… arrives at the van where Chris, Nathan, Miguel, Larry, Dentre, Shag, an unconscious Stubby, and 3 unconscious COBALT troops are sitting. No one knows what’s going on, especially the writers.)
GARRETT: So what do you guys want?
CHRIS: What are you doing dressed as a COBALT troop?
GARRETT: I was put here by someone… I can’t name who. But they paid me quite a while back to make sure I watched over you guys. Kept you guys safe.
NATHAN: So what’s “purge” mean?
GARRETT: It opens the bay door the van drove up on.
CHRIS: Why were you hovering so close to them?
GARRETT: Becauuuuuussee I was watching out that no one up there decided to dump you out of the plane mid-flight.
DENTRE: Why are so many government agencies so interested in us?
GARRETT: Not in you per-se. They are interested in one of you but they don’t know which one so they were ordered to get all of you.
LARRY: So what are we going to do?
GARRETT: Just stay here. When the plane lands I will open the ramp as soon as you touch down and you reverse out of here. You will be inside a military installation so you better take off fast.
CHRIS: Thanks Garrett, you are very helpful.
(Stubby starts to stir, and Garrett quickly punches him back into unconscious.)
NATHAN: Why did you do that?!
GARRETT: He’s had it coming.
(Garrett heads back up to the front of the plane. Everyone watches him on the little monitor in the van. Garrett then takes something and puts it over the camera.)
CHRIS: Hey!
DENTRE: What?
(Garrett looks around the cockpit, nervously, then presses the “purge” button. The van jerks violently, as the plane’s door gears grind into life.)
LARRY: What’s happening!?
CHRIS: Garrett’s opening the door!
NATHAN: We are still up in the sky!
SHAG: Ungroovy man.
CHRIS: Shut up.
DENTRE: Oh no!
(The huge door/ramp begins to lower, and the van starts rolling/sliding backwards. Everyone in the van reaches out to steady themselves. On the screen, the covering comes off and Eric is looking angrily into it.)
ERIC: What is going on!?
(His eyes widen as he sees the scene unfolding. Larry dashes into the front seat, starts up the van, and gasses it. The wheels turn and turn, fighting gravity as the ramp slowly continues to lower. Everyone inside is now listing at a 45 degree angle.)
DENTRE: Get out!
(Chris slides the side door open, only to find fifteen thousand feet between him and the ground. Nathan, in his panic, opens the back door and topples out, holding on to the handle. Shag reaches out to pull him back in. Suddenly, there are big pink flying pigs below him. They gently lift him back up, close enough for Shag to pull him in.)
SHAG: What in the nylon flares was that?!
(Larry is sweating in the front seat, trying to keep the van from sliding out, and using his reality-altering power to get Nathan back into the van.)
CHIRS: What were you thinking!?
(Chris slaps Nathan.)
NATHAN: I dunno!
DENTRE: We have to get out!
CHRIS: We can’t.
(The roar of the wind is deafening, and everyone is shouting now.)
SHAG: Get Larry to dream up some escape!
(Chris steps over Stubby and the COBALT guy, and leans close to Larry.)
CHRIS: Reece, I know I don’t ask for much.
LARRY: Larry!
CHRIS: Fine Larry, I know I don’t ask for much, but you gotta use those powers now.
(The van’s back tires slip off the edge of the ramp, and everyone falls to the floor. Eric and a few COBALT guys show up in the plane’s bay, watching in dismay. Eric shouts some orders, and the troops begin getting ropes and such. Eric goes to the wall and hits the ramp button. The ramp stops, but the weight of the van keeps it from rising.)
CHRIS: We are saved!
(The van slides off the ramp.)
LARRY: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
CHRIS: You kiss your mother with that mouth?!
(End of Part One)
(Part Two by Chris McGinty)
[EXT – SOMEPLACE EXTERIOR – DAY]
(Two old men sit playing Chess.)
STAN: Your move Oliver.
OLIVER: Keep yer britches on.
STAN: That’s what I forgot today. My britches.
OLIVER: You’d ferget yer head if it wernt attached.
STAN: Is it?
OLIVER: Yep.
STAN: Your move Oliver.
OLIVER: I’m thinkin’. I’m thinkin’.
STAN: Where are we?
OLIVER: Wer at da Dainty Pines Ass-sissy Care Liv’n Cent’r.
[EXT – DAINTY PINES ASSISTED CARE LIVING CENTER – DAY]
(Just then a small piece of rubber falls on the concrete beside their table.)
STAN: What is that Oliver?
OLIVER: Dat’s a rub-her seal-stop fer da cargo bay door of a COBALT issuer C-130.
STAN: Oh. How do you know?
OLIVER: I floo one in da war. Or it may’ve been peace time.
STAN: I didn’t know you were in the military.
OLIVER: I wernt.
(It’s at that point that a small piece of metal hits the pavement.)
STAN: What is that, Oliver?
OLIVER: Dat’s a moter mount fer a 2006 Chevry Express V6 4.3 Leeter eng’ne full size van, black.
STAN: Oh. How do you know?
OLIVER: COBALT also uses dem, plus dat deadbeat of a grandson-n-law of mine asked me to cosign on one. Looked it ov’r real good, and den told him to fuck himself. Walked home dat day. Oh, and I’m guessin’ as to da color.
(A gold chain with a gold medallion hits the pavement around that time.)
STAN: What is that Oliver?
OLIVER: Dat’s a Club 57 lifetime memb’r-ship mee-dal-yen.
STAN: Oh. How do you know?
OLIVER: I wernt all ways dis old, son. All ways dis ornery tho.
(It’s at this point that the COBALT van slams to the ground a few hundred feet away.)
STAN: It was black, Oliver.
OLIVER: Thot so.
(It’s at this point that Stubby comes floating down to the ground. He is still unconscious in a bed with Power Rangers blankets over him. The bed was assisted down with a parachute. It lands softly and doesn’t wake poor Stubby.)
STAN: What is that, Oliver?
OLIVER: Dat is dat assho’e blackerjack dee-ler from Losestar.
STAN: Oh. How do you know?
OLIVER: Why yer think I barr-owed rent from yer?
STAN: Oh yeah. Don’t forget to pay me back. My Netflix is due.
(It’s at this point that, in alphabetical order, as opposed to what order they land, Chris, Dentre, Miguel, Nathan, Recce…
LARRY: Larry!
(Well that throws off the whole order. Anyway, they land on the ground assisted by umbrellas and a spoonful of sugar each.)
SHAG: My lifetime membership medallion!
STAN: You called that too.
OLIVER: Yep.
STAN: Who are these people, Oliver?
OLIVER: Dems da Accerdin’ To Whim boys.
STAN: Oh. How do you know?
NATHAN: Cos we’re late for game day.
CHRIS: Yep. Sorry to keep you guys waiting.
OLIVER: I’m use ter it wif you pansy boys. Stan. Put-her way da Chess bored.
STAN: Should I drag out Axis and Allies?
OLIVER: Hells yes, son.
(Oliver leans to Chris.)
OLIVER: Dese yung’uns cain’t get der heads on strait.
CHRIS: Yer tellin’ me, boy.
MIGUEL: I feel like I’ve dropped into one of those PG rated feel good comedies.
OLIVER: Fuck yerself, boy!
MIGUEL: Well, maybe PG-13.
(An hour passes.)
NATHAN: Ok, the board is finally set up. Let’s play!
(Hours pass. Everyone has cuddled up in Stubby’s bed and gone to sleep while the Axis and Allies game goes on deep into the night.)
NATHAN: … and it’s about that time that Garrett purges us out of the plane anyway.
OLIVER: What un assho’e!
NATHAN: I know!
CHRIS: It was only through Reece over there…
(Larry turns over in his sleep.)
LARRY (mumbling): Larry…
CHRIS: … that we didn’t just plunge to our deaths.
NATHAN: We just had to bail out of planes, trains, and automobiles alike, and hope that Larry’s power was focused enough to bring us to get us down safely.
CHRIS: Hmm. It looks like another Ally victory.
OLIVER: Yer bet yer ass, son.
NATHAN: We make a great team, Oliver.
OLIVER: List’n, jus’ to spite dat deadbeat grandson-n-law of mine, I bot me won dem Chevry Expresses. I bot it in sporty red tho. Yer fellers all ways get out here fer game day. Yer take dat van and git a way from dem agints. What say?
CHRIS: That sounds great, Oliver. I’m sure they’ll have figured out by now how to track that van even with all its tracking systems destroyed in the fall.
OLIVER: Let me git yer dem keys.
[INT – VAN – DAY]
(Chris is driving the van. Nathan is asleep in the passenger seat. Lindsay Buckingham’s “Holiday Road” is playing on the CD player.)
CHRIS: Hey Nathan, wake up.
NATHAN: Hey, what’s up?
CHRIS: The sun is up.
NATHAN: Ha ha.
CHRIS: No, I’m being serious. It’s my bedtime. Can you drive for a while?
NATHAN: Oh, right. Of course. Pull off at the next exit. We’ll piss and I’ll drive for a bit. How long was I asleep?
CHRIS: About eight hours. We’ve made good time. Did you know these things can actually go over the maximum speed on the speedometer?
NATHAN: What did you think of the CD I made?
CHRIS: Every track is “Holiday Road.”
NATHAN: I know! Isn’t it great!
CHRIS: Yeah! It’s fantastic!
(They high five. Chris takes the next exit. They park at a Stuckey’s, and get out of the van.)
NATHAN: Ok, everyone. You have five minutes to get out and pee, and then we’re leaving again.
(There is no response. Nathan looks in the back of the van. He looks at Chris.)
NATHAN: I told you to load the others in the van while I took a nap!
CHRIS: What!? I thought you said you needed a nap, because you loaded the others in the van!
(They both look at the camera and scream. And scream. For a long time. Until some guy pokes his head out of the door of Stuckey’s.)
GUY: Hey, do you mind? I’m trying to buy souvenirs in peace.
(End Episode Thirty-Six)