Outtake: Ants in Nathan’s Pants
(We see the scene where Chris has torn down Nathan’s dealer table after talking to author Paul White.)
CHRIS: You didn’t.
(Nathan shrugs.)
CHRIS: Nevermind. We have things to do. Get in the truck. I’m getting Miguel.
DIRECTOR: Cut!
(Nathan starts scratching an itch on his leg.)
CHRIS: What are you doing?
NATHAN: Something is crawling on my leg.
CHRIS: You were supposed to stay still for continuity when my character speeds off.
NATHAN: Sorry, something is biting me.
(There is laughter from the crew. Chris walks off camera laughing.)
CHRIS: I’m going to get a Dr. Pepper and some hydrocortisone cream.
Outtake: Wardrobe Malfunction
(We see the scene where Chris is telling Nathan about his hallucinations.)
NATHAN: Yeah. Miguel is a loser like that, listening to crappy bands like Hel…
(Nathan looks at Chris’s t-shirt.)
NATHAN: You have your Net Runner t-shirt on.
(Chris looks at his t-shirt confused.)
NATHAN: You’re supposed to be wearing your Helmet t-shirt for this scene.
CHRIS: Oh man.
NATHAN: It’s part of the joke.
CHRIS: I know. It must be in my trailer.
(There is an edit and we see Chris coming out of his trailer.)
CHRIS: I need to check my car.
(There is an edit. We see Chris’s black jeans clad bum as he bends over into his car. We hear soda cans clanking together. Nathan and some of the crew are watching on.)
CHRIS: I think I might have lost my Helmet shirt.
NATHAN: But you’re wearing your Net Runner t-shirt. Ironic.
CREWMEMBER: Are you wearing two t-shirts?
(There is an edit and we see Chris peeling off the Net Runner t-shirt and revealing the Helmet t-shirt.)
CHRIS: It was cold this morning. I was bundling up a bit. I forgot.
Deleted Scene: James O’Barr
(Chris is wandering among the convention guests. He sees names that he doesn’t know that did pencils, ink, story, and any number of jobs on any number of comic books that he’s never heard of. He sees a sign that says Sean McGinty. The comic book is “Alpha 5.” Chris stops.)
SEAN: Hi, Chris.
CHRIS: Um. Do I know you? Of course I don’t. You can call ten people Chris, and you’ll be right at least once.
SEAN: I’m your brother.
CHRIS: Um, ok. Have you seen James O’Barr around anywhere?
SEAN: No, I would just follow the people in Crow makeup.
CHRIS: Thanks. Say hi to Kate.
SEAN: I thought you didn’t know who I was.
CHRIS: I don’t. But if you spell Sean like that, you know a Kate.
Deleted Scene: Lynard Dee Williams
(Chris sits down in a chair beside Nathan who is calculating his one sell of the day against the rent he paid for the table.)
NATHAN: Why do you look so glum?
CHRIS: I got kicked out of the Billy Dee Williams Q&A for yelling out, “Play Skynard!”
Outtake: Light Cycle Slap
(We see the scene with the guy in the Tron body suit.)
CHRIS: Look!
(Chris points to a dude dressed as a Tron character.)
NATHAN: That costume is not appealing to the eye. Perhaps if the dude lost about 200 pounds.
CHRIS: This is your chance to sell the Light Cycle!
(Chris swings wildly around to point at the light cycle, and instead smacks Nathan in the face. Chris starts laughing. Nathan is holding his face. Chris can’t stop laughing.)
NATHAN: It’s not that funny. I can feel one of my teeth moving.
(Chris tries to sober up a little, but is visibly unable to stop smiling.)
CHRIS: Sorry. If I didn’t start laughing, we could have used that shot. The look on your face was hilarious.
NATHAN: Oh, I’m sure.
CHRIS: I’m going to get a Dr. Pepper and an ice pack.
Outtake: What’s His Name Again?
(We see the scene with the Helmet shirt again.)
NATHAN: I was thinking of Miguel from work, sorry.
CHRIS: Um, ok. The point is that I think that Larry is close by.
NATHAN: Reece.
CHRIS: What?
NATHAN: I think that Reece is close by.
CHRIS: No, Larry is the name… wait. Shit.
(Chris reaches for his script.)
CHRIS: I’m never going to get this shit straight.
NATHAN: You’re the one who wrote the gag.
CHRIS: I know. I regret it every day.
Deleted Scene: Pill Popper
(Chris is standing in a ringmaster outfit. Miguel’s head is sticking through a hole in a wooden board.)
CHRIS: Step right up, one and all, and try the Pill Popper. Land a Prozac in Miguel’s mouth and get a prize.
SMALL BOY: What’s the prize?
CHRIS: The stories you can tell about the stuff he says once he’s sufficiently high.
Outtake: Chris’s Meltdown
(We see the point of view of a video camera switching on and swinging around to Chris, who is climbing onto a table. Rick Springfield is behind the table looking a little scared.)
CHRIS: Ok, before we go on, some motherfuckers need to recognize!
RICK SPRINGFIELD: It’s ok, Chris.
(Chris is too busy yelling at the crew, some of who are scared too, some of who are smirking like some long haired goof thinks he’s a badass.)
CHRIS: Do you ungrateful fucks realize what this man has done for music? Huh?
RICK SPRINGFIELD: It’s really ok, Chris.
CHRIS: Do you know how many albums he has? I mean, I don’t know the exact number or anything, but it’s double digits, yo. Double digits.
MIGUEL: Chris Gawwwdammit!
(The camera swings to see Miguel, and starts to move back and forth between the people speaking.)
MIGUEL: Get down from there!
CHRIS: Not until these fuckers recognize! All those albums. All those great songs.
RICK SPRINGFIELD: I tried to tell him it was ok.
CHRIS: But no, they gotta go off talking about “Jesse’s Girl” like he never recorded anything else.
MIGUEL: Chris, it’s ok to be a one hit wonder…
CHRIS: What did you say?
MIGUEL: Chris!
CHRIS: No, what did you say? Did you just call Rick fucking Springfield a one hit wonder?
MIGUEL: Sorry, I must have been thinking of some other crappy British band like a-ha.
CHRIS: Don’t make me come down there!
MIGUEL: That’s what I’m trying to get you to do! Get down from there! You’re acting an ass!
NATHAN: What the hell is going on out here?
(The camera swings to see Nathan, and starts moving back and forth between the speakers again.)
NATHAN: I heard screaming all the way from the bathroom.
MIGUEL: Oh, Chris has lost his shit again. And I’m the one who is portrayed as needing to be on anti-psychotic medicine.
NATHAN: Chris, please come down from the table, before Mr. Springfield chooses not do this scene for us.
CHRIS: Nathan, do you like the song “Jesse’s Girl?”
NATHAN: I love it, Chris. It’s a great song.
RICK SPRINGFIELD: That’s very kind of you, Nathan.
CHRIS: But what’s your favourite Rick Springfield song, Nathan.
NATHAN: “Human Touch” for sure. Fantastic song!
CHRIS: And why is that?
NATHAN: Because I’m fully aware that “Jesse’s Girl” isn’t the only song that Rick Springfield did.
CHRIS: Because you recognize motherfucker. You recognize. Not like these snot nose clueless crewless. I’ll fire them all.
NATHAN: We can’t fire them. We’ll never get this done.
CHRIS: My own fucking mother, I’ll fire her.
NATHAN: You’re mother isn’t working on the serial.
CHRIS: But you know what? She recognizes!
MIGUEL: I recognize the person who needs to be fired.
CHRIS: I’m the star! You don’t fire the star!
MIGUEL: I just remembered. My wife called me. She wants me home for the rest of my life.
NATHAN: Miguel, don’t.
MIGUEL: No! No! We’re lucky if we get three scenes done a day because of this crap.
(Chris jumps down from the table.)
CHRIS: You’re lucky to have the talented Mr. Me. You need to recognize!
(Chris looks at the camera, and scowls.)
CHRIS: Some cunt’s recording this.
(Chris punches the camera, the lens cracks and then the camera shorts out.)