(Part One by Nathan Stout)
[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]
(Chris, Nathan, and Miguel hold Garrett hostage as they confront the professor, Paul, Quincy, Stubby, and Angelina in Stubby’s cave hideout. The professor answers Chris’s threat by shouting, “Get them!”)
CHRIS: Yikes!
(Chris shoves Garrett forward towards the advancing Redneck clones that have appeared from behind the nooks and crannies of the cave walls.)
NATHAN: Not these guys again!
REDNECK CLONES: Get off my property!
(The Redneck Clones meet our trio in a hail of fists and 1960s “Batman” the TV series-like action ensues. “POWs’” and “BIFFs” appear overhead, as punches and kicks are landed by both sides.)
MIGUEL: What’s going on?
(Miguel punches a Redneck in the face and the word “ZAP” appears above them.)
CHRIS: I think that might be my new power manifesting itself.
(The trio is quickly surrounded by the twenty or so Rednecks, and Garrett seems to have vanished somewhere.)
NATHAN: Great plan, Chris.
CHRIS: Gimme a second!
(There is a gun shot that echoes throughout the cave and a bright light shines from the direction the trio came from. From the brightness, reflections of gold play across the faces of everyone, blinding them.)
PROFESSOR: Cripes.
(The gold subsides as the group emerges into the main cave. The gold pantsuit agents from Century 21, along with Shag and Dentre appear.)
CHRIS: See. I just had to have a second.
(Chris takes the opportunity to punch the nearest Redneck and the battle recommences.)
NATHAN: Are they real or just an illusion of yours?!
(Nathan dodges a Redneck clone and spins up to a gold pantsuit agent from Century 21.)
NATHAN: Hail to the king, baby.
(Nathan grabs her and attempts to kiss her, but she shoves him back and slaps him in the face.)
AGENT: Ewwww. Get away.
NATHAN: I guess that answers that.
(Nathan looks around, not seeing Chris.)
NATHAN: Where’s Chris?
MIGUEL: I don’t know.
NATHAN: That bastard abandoned us! Oof!
(A Redneck clone lands a punch to Nathan’s gut, and he doubles up and falls to the ground.)
STUBBY: Ha ha! Double down, eh?!
NATHAN: Sheesh.
(The professor steps back a bit, as well as Quincy, Stubby, and Paul. Paul looks about but can’t see Angelina. The tide turns and the group of rag-tag heroes and real estate agents begin to win. Miguel is fighting with vigor, looking like he is really having a good time.)
MIGUEL: I feel SO ALIVE!
(Everyone stops and claps, glad to see Miguel’s life finally take on a meaning. The fighting quickly resumes.)
DENTRE: I think we have the advantage now!
PROFESSOR: Not so fast!
(The door to the room that holds the T.A.C. opens and the Grrrls walk in, zipping up clothing. A disheveled Larry adjusting his glasses stands stunned-looking in the background.)
PROFESSOR: Get them, Grrrls!
(The Grrrls join in the fight and it is a battle royale now. Fists are flying and groins are getting kicked. Redneck clones and Grrrls now out number the real estate agents.)
SHAG: This looks bad, man!
NATHAN: We are losing!
(They are losing. Most of the pantsuit agents are unconscious on the floor. They wouldn’t have done this if they had known what was all over the ground…. spunk dust, remember?)
PROFESSOR: Give up! You are through!
CHRIS: Not so fast!
(Everyone stops as Chris’s voice booms in the confines of the cave. Chris is standing on an outcropping of rock, high over everyone.)
CHRIS: I finally discovered your dirty little secret, professor! You didn’t need me because… you already replaced me!
(Chris flicks something on the wall next to him, and the rock wall slides back to reveal ten clear tanks, which slide open. Inside are ten clones of Chris. They are all standing there, eyes open, naked. Somewhere in the silence of the cave, one of the females present giggles.)
CHRIS: Well, this is embarrassing.
(The professor laughs.)
CHRIS: Hey!
PROFESSOR: You fool. We were unable to get your speed power when we first stole your DNA at the TCC campus and when we got tried to get your bone marrow sample. We gave up for the time being. Those clones are indeed you in every way…
(Someone giggles again.)
PROFESSOR: … but they have no thoughts. We haven’t imprinted their minds yet.
(The professor turns to the Grrrls and Redneck clones.)
PROFESSOR: Continue…
(The battle starts up again. Chris dashes off again with his naked clones just standing there looking… naked.)
(End of Part One)
(Part Two by Chris McGinty)
[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]
(The battle rages on, though it is raging a little bit more for the bad guys than the good guys, presuming of course that good and bad can really be boiled down to standardized archetypes that… ooh, something’s happening. Chris dashes up to Nathan who is facing off against a gold pantsuit agent who has stood up from being knocked out.)
CHRIS: She’s on our side, Nathan.
NATHAN: Oh, right. Of course.
CHRIS: I’ll be back in five minutes.
NATHAN: Wait! No! You can’t…
(Chris dashes off.)
NATHAN: This is going to be a long five minutes. We’re on the same side, Ms. Pantsuit.
MS. PANTSUIT: Oh, right. Of course.
(Minute One: Chris dashes to a nearby cemetery and parks his ass graveside of Board Member Reginald’s grave.)
[EXT – BOARD MEMBER REGINALD’S GRAVE – DAY]
CHRIS: I don’t know what to do, Board Member Reginald.
BOARD MEMBER REGINALD (ghost): You must go to the Dagobah system.
CHRIS: It wasn’t funny the first time.
BOARD MEMBER REGINALD (ghost): You do realize that they never really recovered my body because it was so annihilated.
CHRIS: Yes.
BOARD MEMBER REGINALD (ghost): So the ruins of the old ATW headquarters would actually be closer to my grave.
CHRIS: Yes.
BOARD MEMBER REGINALD (ghost): Then what are you doing here?
CHRIS: Oh, who knows? But you’re right. I should go to the Dagobah system. Not literally, of course. I should find the one location in this area that most resembles Dagobah and go there. And that place is the professor’s classroom at TCC.
(Chris dashes off.)
BOARD MEMBER REGINALD (ghost): That’s not what…
(Chris returns.)
CHRIS: That’s not what you meant. You mean the dark, and swampy Hangman’s House of Horrors.
(Chris dashes off.)
BOARD MEMBER REGINALD (ghost): That’s still not what I meant, and I wouldn’t exactly call it swampy.
(Minute Two: Chris dashes to Hangman’s House of Horrors where he finds Owen R.’s office. Owen R. is in there counting his money.)
[INT – OWEN R.’S OFFICE – DAY]
CHRIS: You’re the key to this.
OWEN R.: To what?
CHRIS: You’re the mysterious figure pulling the puppet strings.
OWEN R.: That’s called a puppeteer.
CHRIS: Ok. Mystery solved then. But you’re still behind everything the professor is doing.
OWEN R.: Me? No. He came to me for financing. He needed to build clones and since he doesn’t belong to a real college…
CHRIS: Bite thy tongue, sir. Nathan loves that place.
OWEN R.: My apologies. What I meant to say is a college that couldn’t fund his activities because they’re too busy providing a wonderful education, unlike so called real colleges.
CHRIS: Nice save.
OWEN: My part in this…
CHRIS: You’re right. I need to go to the professor’s classroom at TCC.
(Chris dashes off.)
OWEN: Um, I didn’t say that.
(Chris returns.)
CHRIS: My apologies. You were telling me a story.
OWEN: Oh, where was I? Yes. My part in this was that I was made to believe that by funding the clone production, I would never have to train volunteers for the haunted house again. I had no idea that he had further evil plots. I didn’t know Stubby was operating out of here, but when I found out, I made a point to call everyone involved in ruining the haunted house sets and give them a tongue lashing. I also made a point to call the professor and tell him that he needed to make up the lack of funding to me somehow. They destroyed the property values over here, and I bought up as much as I could. Now when the property values go up…
(The police bust in.)
OFFICER BUCK PRIVATES: Down to the ground, Owen R.! We got him, Commander.
(The police commander walks in.)
COMMANDER CODY: Good job, Chris. That was quick thinking coming to the precinct, putting on a wire, and telling us to be here in thirty seconds or less or a bad guy would go free.
CHRIS: Um, I gotta go.
(Chris dashes off.)
(Minute Three: Chris dashes into the professor’s classroom at TCC.)
CHRIS: There has to be an answer somewhere…
(Heh hum!)
[INT – PROFFESSOR’S CLASSROOM AT TCC – DAY]
(Thank you. Chris dashes around the room in a fury of flurry. Papers fly everywhere, desks overturn, and at the end of it all, Chris stops. He is holding a postcard with the Monopoly logo on it. It reads, “I got to Boardwalk before you,” but it’s whatever is written on the other side that interests him.)
CHRIS: Interesting. I know what I must do now.
(Chris dashes off. Then Chris returns.)
CHRIS: How rude of me.
(Chris dashes around the room and cleans it, leaving everything where it was, except the postcard which he takes with him. He dashes off. The g-forces of his departure cause papers to fly everywhere and desks to overturn.)
CHRIS: Goofus and Gallant have nothing on me.
(Minute Four: Chris dashes into a Bizarro World Nathan’s back yard.)
CHRIS: Professor?
[EXT – THE PROFFESSOR OF DIRT’S BACKYARD – DAY]
(A man who looks like the love child of Nathan and Andy Partridge of XTC walks out. He is wearing a black teacher’s robe. His voice is high pitched and flamboyant.)
PROFESSOR OF DIRT: Oh, I was just tending to my azaleas. Can I have Gerardo get you anything?
CHRIS: Wow. This is so amazing. I’m actually standing in the backyard of the star of one of Summervale’s longest running public access shows. Johan Simon Smythe.
PROFESSOR OF DIRT: And what brings you here among my plaaaaants?
CHRIS: I’m here about this postcard you sent to your brother.
PROFESSOR OF DIRT: Ah yes. That one is funny.
CHRIS: Luckily, I recognized your name, Johan Simon Smythe, but I notice he goes by the professor even to his family.
PROFESSOR: He’s very protective of that title. That’s why I have to go by the Professor of Dirt. His real name is Patrick Stewart Smythe. I call him Patty, because he’s Irish.
(Chris visibly shakes his head, hoping it doesn’t explode.)
CHRIS: I can see from this card that there is a sibling rivalry going on here, so I was hoping you could help me defeat him.
PROFESSOR OF DIRT: Oh, it’s not that bad of a rivalry. You know how little brothers can be.
(Suddenly a guy who looks similar to Chris dashes into the yard.)
CHRIS: Sean? What are you doing here?
SEAN: Oh, hey big brother. I was hanging out with my friend Darrel when all of a sudden I had super fast speed. Since then we, along with our friend George, have been locked in a battle with an evil professor named Nigel Alan Smythe. I realized that he was related to the Professor of Dirt, and I came here to get some information. And you cut my scene out of the convention bit.
CHRIS: I’m going to post it with deleted scenes and outtakes! Get your information and get out of here.
(Sean gets his information and dashes off.)
CHRIS: Sheesh. Anyway, you were telling me about Patty Smythe.
PROFESSOR: I hate to say it, but your brother will have an easier time defeating Alan.
CHRIS: Well, as near as I can tell, we’ve already defeated the professor. His sidekicks are idiots, his clones of me are useless, his T.A.C. machine needs glass that he doesn’t have, and he really needs to take a bath.
PROFESSOR OF DIRT: Let me show you something.
(They walk into a shed that Chris presumed was for plants. There are board games, dice games, and card games all over the place on tables.)
PROFESSOR OF DIRT: These are all unfinished games. Anytime he would realize he was going to lose, he would excuse himself and say he had me over a barrel, that we could finish my defeat later if I wanted. Patty will never admit defeat, even if he has truly lost.
CHRIS: I have to get back to Nathan and Miguel.
(Chris dashes off.)
PROFESSOR OF DIRT: He doesn’t know what he getting in…
(Chris returns.)
CHRIS: Can I get your autograph?
(Minute Five: Chris dashes into Stubby’s hideout.)
[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]
(He rushes over to Nathan.)
CHRIS: Ok, I’m back, and I think it was less than five minutes.
NATHAN: Chris, it’s been 22 minutes. We’ve been defeated and tied up.
(Chris looks around. Nathan, Miguel, and all their allies are tied up. Chris starts to dash off, but instead he finds that…)
CHRIS: Fucking dampening fields!
(… yeah, that.)
(End Episode Forty-Five)