[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]
CHRIS: The professor can’t get away with this, guys. What do we do?
MIGUEL: You’ll have to turn off that dampening field, and then you can quickly run around and untie us, and tie all of them up.
CHRIS: But without my super speed…
CHRIS: But without my super speed, how do I get to the dampening field without being stopped? I was only ever sufficient at football.
MIGUEL: But you were good at running plays.
CHRIS: But only with…
CHRIS: But only with the kids in my neighbourhood. I probably wouldn’t do well now.
MIGUEL: You’re presuming they are better than you. Do you think our captors are trained in football?
(Chris looks at Angelina.)
CHRIS: Some of them, maybe.
CHRIS: What Nathan! Unless you’re going to say something helpful…
NATHAN: Where is part one of this episode?
CHRIS: Motherfucker. Go to credits.
(The credits come on. Think “Saved By the Bell” meets “American Idol” with Chris and Nathan running around doing wacky stuff… animated. They’re animated. And Miguel is trying to keep up with their heroic deeds, but he keeps getting harmed in cartoonish ways. The song sounds an awful lot like something Queen would do, but is sufficiently different enough so they don’t get sued. At the end of the credit sequence, Chris and Nathan are standing there with Miguel, and an anvil drops on Miguel. Chris and Nathan give thumbs up to the camera, and we see Miguel’s hand coming from under the anvil also giving thumbs up. There is a poster of George Lucas taped to the anvil.)
by the According To Whim .com crew
(Part One by Nathan Stout)
[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]
(Chris has rushed back, after tying up loose ends, only to find his compatriots tied up and himself the victim of the “power negation ray” that has killed his super speed ability. The professor, Quincy, Stubby, Paul, the Grrrls, a few surviving Redneck clones, and Chris’s 10 naked, mindless clones stand in Stubby’s cave hideout. Nathan, Shag, Miguel, Dentre, and the pantsuited Century 21 agents stand in a huge circle, wrapped with thick ropes.)
PROFESSOR: Now Chris, how many times have I told you to just get the fuck out of my way?
CHRIS: I can’t help it. I figured out your plans and had to do something about it.
CHRIS: Yes. By the way, just for clarification, what are your plans?
PROFESSOR: They don’t include you.
(The professor pulls out a gun and points it at Chris.)
CHRIS: Really? I thought you didn’t want to kill anyone.
PROFESSOR: Usually, but you are so insufferable that I feel I need to.
(The professor fires. Chris doubles over in pain.)
CHRIS: Shit that hurt!
(Shag sees something red then turns his head away. Chris curls into a fetal ball and stops moving.)
QUINCY: About fucking time!
PROFESSOR: Well, Stubby? How does it feel?
STUBBY: I don’t know. Kind of a let down really. I had hoped to more or less humiliate him until he couldn’t bear to live anymore. I guess I’m satisfied.
(The cluster of tied up prisoners keep Nathan and Miguel facing the opposite direction, away from Chris.)
PROFESSOR: Stubby, you and Quincy get back to glass collecting. The T.A.C. needs more insulation if it is going to project Larry’s thoughts all the way to Washington.
(Chris stirs then moans out in a fading breath.)
CHRIS: Ohhhhh. Thatssss it…..
(Chris exhales loudly then stops moving again.)
(He looks at Stubby and Quincy and they jump.)
PAUL: Where is Angelina? She’s been missing for a while now.
PROFESSOR: How do I know? You’re her dog, go sniff her out.
(Everyone splits up to do their own thing while the prisoners stand silent. Nathan and Miguel are stunned at what happened.)
NATHAN: Oh man…
DENTRE: Hang in there.
MIGUEL: I need to get free. I have more ass to kick.
SHAG: Calm down, mannnn.
MIGUEL: You don’t understand…
SHAG: I know. Chris was your best friend and you want to avenge his death.
MIGUEL: No, I love fighting! It gives me focus, it makes me powerful. Chris’s death only adds fuel to my fire. I want to take them all down!
(Miguel struggles against the big rope to no avail.)
(The shout is so loud that everyone in the cave stops. Paul has pushed a pile of boxes to the side and Angelina and Garrett are making out like bandits… as in they are kissing a lot, not stealing or making great profit on some business venture.)
(Garrett is unable to talk with Angelina’s tongue in his mouth. She stops and turns to Paul.)
ANGELINA: Don’t be mad, baby. It’s only business.
(Paul is totally confused by this statement as he tries to play it back in his mind several ways.)
PAUL: What in the hell does that mean?
ANGELINA: Highest bidder.
(There is a huge explosion overhead. The wall between the main chamber and the chamber with the T.A.C. in it collapses, making one big room. From overhead shouts resound and ropes drop down. Men in military gear descend and the battle starts anew).
DENTRE: Everyone, back up!
(The tied up prisoners start to shuffle back out of the way of the action. A voice can be heard over the noise.)
ERIC: Take them down boys, but don’t damage the gun!
(End of Part One)
(Part Two by Chris McGinty)
[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]
(Chris and Angelina struggle, rolling around on the ground. Miguel holds Paul back with a hold he learned by watching the gay wedding episode of “professional” wrestling. Nathan is watching Chris’s struggle with a look of appalled interest.)
CHRIS: You won’t get away this time, Angelina!
ANGELINA: I’ve got you right where I want you.
CHRIS: Unless you know some amazing move to stop me, I don’t see how you have me where you want me. After all, I’m on top of you, wedged between your legs, and you’re doing all you can to get me off.
CHRIS: Nathan, not now. I just realized I may be experiencing a fantasy come true.
NATHAN: Chris, did you read the first part, or just copy/paste it?
CHRIS: Motherfucker. Sorry, folks. We’ll be back after these messages.
(We see Nathan sitting at a kitchen table looking at a bowl with mild dismay. Chris walks on screen.)
CHRIS: Is your cereal getting you down?
CHRIS: Did it used to bring joy to your morning, but now it feels like a chore to get through it?
NATHAN: Although, you were laying it on a bit thick with that whole “joy to your morning” bit. I’m not sure I was ever all that excited about it.
CHRIS: Ok. We got it. Can we get back on script?
CHRIS: Then try new Rick Springfield cereal.
NATHAN: Rick Springfield cereal!
CHRIS: Yes. Now you too can have the fruity taste of Rick Springfield in the morning. But don’t take my word for it. Let’s ask our celebrity endorsement.
NATHAN: Oh my god! You got Rick Springfield to endorse Rick Springfield cereal?
CHRIS: No, he passed. But we have Martha Quinn, former Veejay on MTV.
MARTHA (clearly reading a cue card): How delicious is this cereal!
CHRIS: We had to keep that line generic, because it’s going into all the General Mills product line commercials.
NATHAN: I apologize if I seem ignorant, but what exactly is a Veejay?
MARTHA: Like a Deejay, but with videos.
NATHAN: Like Disc Jockey, but Video Jockey?
NATHAN: That makes sense, but how were you a Veejay on MTV? MTV doesn’t show videos.
CHRIS: Nevermind that right now. I just want to tell everyone to go buy some Rick Springfield cereal from your favourite grocery store, on this short list of participating stores.
(There is a list that includes a Skaggs Alpha-Beta in Wilmington, Utah, and a Winn-Dixie in Toronto, New Jersey. And that’s the whole list. Then a jingle that sounds an awful lot like “Jesse’s Girl” comes on.)
CHORUS: I wish that I had Rick Springfield cereal!
CHRIS: We all need it!
NATHAN: I need it too!
(And now back to…)
CHORUS: Flash Ahhhh!
(We come back, and we’re at the lagoon. We see Miguel running along the shore in his red shirt and white hat.)
MIGUEL: Skipper! Skipper!
(Nathan comes running out in his blue shirt and white hat.)
NATHAN: What is it, little buddy?
MIGUEL: Chris has been killed.
NATHAN: That’s not possible.
(The professor wheels out in his wheelchair made of bamboo and coconut.)
PROFESSOR: He’s right, Skipper. I shot Chris.
NATHAN: Professor, no.
(Dentre and Shag walk up.)
DENTRE: We’re Ginger and MaryAnn.
NATHAN: Which is whi… oh, it doesn’t matter. Where’s Mr. and Mrs. Howell.
GARRETT AND ANGELINA: We’re over here.
(They look over and see Garrett and Angelina dressed as millionaires, sitting at a table.)
GARRETT: Ah yes, Lovie. Let me count out your money to you.
(Garrett has a wad of bills, and he starts counting, and slapping them down on the table.)
GARRETT: Four. Eight. Fifteen. Sixteen. Twenty-Three. Forty-Two.
(Paul jumps out as a witch doctor.)
SHAGGY: Zoinks! Run, Scoob!
SCOOBY: Ruh Roh!
NATHAN: Would somebody please tell me what the hell…
(Michael Emerson walks out.)
MICHAEL EMERSON: I’m here to reprise my role as Benjamin Linus. And this is my sister Lucy.
(Chris walks by.)
CHRIS: I love Lucy.
NATHAN: Wait! Chris!
CHRIS: Such a great Candlebox album.
(Larry walks up to Michael Emerson.)
LARRY: Aren’t you in a new show?
MICHAEL EMERSON: Why yes, Mr. Reese.
LARRY: My name is Larry… and Reece is spelled with a “c.”
NATHAN: Chris! What is going on?
CHRIS: Well, since I’m no longer needed as an actor, I’ve been put in charge of the writing. I thought we needed more pop cultural references.
NATHAN: No! No! I refuse.
[INT – STUBBY’S HIDEOUT – DAY]
PROFESSOR: What do you refuse, Nathan?
NATHAN: No one else saw all of that?
PROFESSOR: Larry’s power is reaching a prime, and it’s being wasted on your lame hallucinations. Quincy and Stubby need to hurry up. Eric needs to call off his men. Garrett and Angelina need to quit swallowing each other’s tongues. I want order!
ERIC: I think it’s a bit late for that, professor.
MIGUEL: Nathan, I’m starting to think that we’re stuck in a never ending cycle of misery.
(A bullet grazes by Miguel, ricocheting off the wall of the cave, and bouncing off of Shag’s platform boots.)
SHAG: Hey now. All I can see is this wall, but I don’t think I like what I’m not seeing.
MIGUEL: Like no matter what we do, there will never be a true victor.
NATHAN: It can’t be that bleak, Miguel.
(A bullet slides through Nathan’s hair, and also ricochets off the cave wall, and also hits Dentre’s funny bone, not hard enough to break skin, but hard enough to make him scream in pain.)
NATHAN: That was a bit close, Eric!
MIGUEL: That’s what I mean. Five seconds ago, the professor was clearly the victor. Five seconds before that, Chris was the victor. Now, Eric seems to be taking home the prize.
(They watch as Garrett and Angelina scoot away from the gunplay, all the while fondling, groping, and kissing each other.)
MIGUEL: In a manner of speaking, Eric is taking home the prize. In another, less PC, manner of speaking…
NATHAN: One thing has changed though. I’m devastated that Chris is dead, but at the very least… If we can just get out of here. Once we’re gone, we have no reason to come back. No one here cares about us, and Chris was the one who kept dragging us back into the conflict. We just have to get out of here.
MIGUEL: But I kind of like fighting. A lot.
NATHAN: But you also like sitting in your underwear and reading gossip on theforce.net. You can’t do both.
MIGUEL: You make a good point.
NATHAN: Now how do we get out of here?
MIGUEL: Quick! I got the grappling hook to catch.
CHRIS: That would be fine, if you’d attached the rope properly.
(Chris pulls on the rope. It comes away from the grappling hook, and falls to the ground.)
MIGUEL: Damn it. I’m sorry Chris. I really thought I could get us away from those Kamikaze robots.
CHRIS: It’s ok…
CHRIS: It’s ok, Miguel. You did your best.
MIGUEL: But I really thought I would save the day.
CHRIS: You may still…
CHRIS: You may still surprise us all by getting us out of here.
NATHAN: Chris! This makes no sense with what was just happening.
CHRIS: You’re right, it doesn’t. Sorry. I really thought that by the time we got here, the plot would have worked itself around to this point. Can we see the Rick Springfield cereal commercial again?
(The screen goes to a technical difficulties screen. Chris and Nathan can be heard arguing just below the music. Nathan seems to think that they are running a little close to the wire for the serial being over for Chris’s shenanigans. Chris is defending himself that he really thought he could get ahead of the game a little, and that he didn’t know it would ruin the flow of the story. Then we seem to be back to the action.)
NATHAN: Now how do we get out of here?
(A bullet hits the floor right by Nathan’s leg.)
NATHAN: If certain assholes would quit shooting at each other!
MIGUEL: I have an idea.
(Miguel starts twitching like he’s spasming. He finally topples himself over, dragging everyone else to their knees, and with his face to the floor, he holds his hands up away from his back as far as he can. Nathan looks at him like he’s lost his mind. Ten seconds pass. Then another ten seconds. As another ten seconds pass, Miguel can be heard saying something that is very muffled by the dirt he’s eating, but sound an awful lot like, “Hurry the funk up.” Or maybe not funk. Then suddenly another stray bullet gets awfully close to hitting Miguel. It instead cuts right through the ropes that bind his hands.)
MIGUEL (wiping dirt from his mouth): Let me get my legs untied, and then I’ll untie the rest of you.
(Miguel does as he promised. Everyone hits the dirt as the stray gunfire picks up.)
MIGUEL: I don’t know about the rest of you, but Nathan and I are leaving!
(Miguel and Nathan stand up to run away. They start walking like Egyptians as many stray bullets try to take them out, but they finally make it out of the room.)
MIGUEL: Oh for the love of Clinton. That was the worst 55 seconds of my life.
NATHAN: Let’s get out of here, before they try to top it.
(Larry steps out.)
LARRY: Wait guys, I have something to tell you. You might find it important.
(End Episode Forty-Six)