By Chris McGinty (based on an
assortment of ideas from Brian Anthony)
uncomfortable, and standing with Chris who is casually dancing, and Brian who is
just staring at Miguel with a huge, uncomfortable grin on his face.)
Isn’t this the greatest club?
later. Just not here in public.
have more trouble hearing me over the music than anyone else.
This bomb is the dope.
slightly bewildered. Then finally responds.)
city. Can we go home now?
to Miguel. He reaches into his ear and pops out an earplug.)
never do anything. We’re going to enjoy ourselves away from the apartment for
a pout, and enjoys himself.)
alternate universe where I have a loving wife and daughter that provide me an
excuse to never have to deal with these two.
Hollywood-esque feedback as DJ Bane clicks the microphone on.)
party people in the house?
affirmative that Chris and Brian join in with as Miguel stands there dumbly.)
people in the house?”
break this down one time!
preset map fill the club as DJ Bane lifts a body from the floor over his head.
It appears to be Batman. He brings him down and the crowd can hear his back
break even over the drum fills. The crowd cringes. Miguel, meanwhile, is
jumping up and down with girlish excitement.)
bucks to get in!
the Sniffles Theme Song plays, showing various credits and scenes from the
in a booth as pulsating trance music does it’s best to make the humans in the
club deaf. As the camera pans over to them, we see Chris outside talking on his
cell phone. Cut to a close up of Miguel and Brian.)
Chris would think it’s funny. You just have no sense of humour anymore.
first time. Explain the idea to me again and I’ll try to understand the joke.
dresses and we’re talking about our feelings and our periods…
about our periods.
sketch in our show together, or on something you and Chris do without me?
Chris to explain it to you.
about period sketch.
love each other very much…
the period sketch?
of the show, but is neither exciting nor questionable?
again. Ignore him.
say it sometimes. I think this music is wrecking my hearing. [to Chris] Is
quiet night at home with his wife.
we get a chance to talk soon!
group meets at the organic drink bar here.
not even a sketch. It’s an idea that doesn’t actually connect to anything other
than your warped view of comedy.
moment. He holds up his hand and waves at someone.)
Brian. Brian leans in and speaks somewhat inaudibly into her ear. His motions
suggest that he’s describing the sketch idea to the woman. She suddenly bursts
And walks away laughing.)
else, our show is now going to be marketed to women.
don’t we go home and work on the show? You guys are always bitching that I
don’t want to work on the show, but here we are wasting time at a dance club
when we could be shooting a sketch.
the party people in the house?
people in the house?”
break this down one time!
over his head and drops him down with a backbreaking move.)
help you have a good time. I’ll be right back.
Brian watch him go.)
gets pile-drived by the DJ.
I never talk like this. Ever.
friend and not a DJ.
worked. Listen, my friend is kind of being a bummer tonight. Will you play a
track for him? The one with all the NPR sound bites and the hip hop
for This” Remix.
floor and waves for Miguel and Brian to join him. He can actually hear Miguel’s
sigh over the music, but they meet him on the dance floor. It’s at this point
that DJ Bane speaks into the microphone.)
ready for this place to go off?
down for the night.”
feet slowly come alive like a prude in an 80s rock video. Before a minute has
passed he’s got moves like Carlton.
Chris, Brian, and pretty much the entire club hits the dance floor to shake
their butt (and/or their rump – shout out Fishmasters!). At some point, Brian
moves in behind Miguel and starts grinding him.)
come alive! Is everybody feeling good!
obligatory “yeah,” but it’s hard to hear over Miguel’s excited war cry.)
rocking this house!
your hands in the air. Woot! Woot!
a woot woot.)
the left. Woot! Woot!
a woot woot.)
to the left and try not to fall over. Are the party people in the house?
dear god, no.
the corner. Each of them has recently been sweating lots and lots.)
get out tonight. This place is a blast.
the whole period sketch thing) walks up to Brian. She’s rubbing his chest and
funny, which I find really attractive. And you’re gay. I want to screw your
brains out so bad.
only way I ever get laid?
as she appeared.)
sweated this much since I read about Disney buying Star Wars. I’m going to go
buy us some soda.
don’t know… off.
that whole thing.
in plastic cups.)
but all they had was Mr. Pibb.
out and having a good time. Who am I to get uptight over a soda brand? Cheers!
cups and toast the evening. Chris takes a quick swig of the soda, before Miguel
or Brian even have a chance to bring their cups to their lips. His face turns
sour almost instantly and he spits up the soda all over Miguel.)
don’t know what the hell happened.
first I thought you were going to vom…
say those words weird.
The perspective changes to Brian who is seeing the vomit spewing in bright,
with you, Chris! Please fucking stop!
evening. Oh god.
it. Brian applauds girlishly.)
in the face): We just can’t do anything without it turning bad, can we? It’s
always got to get weird with you.
and waits for the next burst. The woman walks by.)
is on seeped from her pores into Brian’s.
Prince level purple.
but I’m already shell shocked.
should follow him and make sure he doesn’t try humping a policeman’s leg.
a change of clothes.
even to make you feel better. Let’s go find Brian.
drinks over him to try to knock some of the vomit off, and then follows Chris
out the door.)
calling a name as if looking for someone.)
brakes coming to a squealing stop. It backs up slowly.)
heard who knows how to speak English since I got here.
ways down the road. We’d better try to catch him.
and the British Chris turns a U-Turn in the street.) They drive slowly down the
road looking for Brian.)
anywhere by now. We don’t know if he’s walking or running.
window broken out. An alarm is going off.)
flashlight from his duffle bag. He hands it to Chris. Chris shines the
flashlight into the building.)
store, and he seems to have taken some supplies with him.
before we’re blamed.
take a rifle in the Dallas
mate. And I’m not even from here.
convenience store. I have an idea.
store parking lot and parks. Chris goes in and buys something. When he comes
out he has a six pack of Mr. Pibb.)
with puke enough already.
path that they feel makes the most sense…)
the path of Brian’s discarded clothing, until…)
a stop and reaches over and tries to open the door by grabbing Miguel’s breast
(men have breasts too, they’re just not as fun to look at).)
get used to this driver side on the left thing.
the flashlight. He empties out British Chris’s duffle bag and puts the Mr. Pibb
in. They move into the woods slowly. Chris tries to use his tracking skills to
find Brian, but soon realizes that Hollywood
probably invented that shit as a way to explain people finding other living
creatures in the woods.)
Brian as evasive.
friend dangerous? I wouldn’t have come along…
always wanted to say that in context, and this seemed like the closest to that
jumps out from the bushes and jumps on British Chris, licking his face.)
wanted to lick your face for some reason.
and bends over. Everybody cringes and looks away.)
whole life without seeing that again.
three rifles. He tosses one to Miguel and one to Chris. They catch them.)
it’s not a real…
tries to rush up to Brian who is moving at a pretty good clip.)
and everyone freezes in their tracks.)
these woods. Show yourself awkward heathen!
camera angle cuts to a shot of the bear looking ferocious in slightly different
Chris what’s happening?
away slowly. Brian just stands there taunting the bear, but doesn’t seem to be
doing anything to either subdue or kill it.)
thought all you Americans were trained with guns before your fifth birthday.
from Chris and fires at the bear catching it in the shoulderish area. The bear
growls but ultimately slinks off.)
the gun at Chris, hitting him in the shoulder.)
sees that it was only slightly grazed.)
drop their guns. We’re all a little shaken up because of the bear, and someone
is going to get hurt…
Chris are rushing Miguel.)
you doing now!
British Chris start taking bites out of Miguel’s flesh. Miguel screams, but is
secretly enamored with the blood and gore. Chris kicks Brian in the head, but
it doesn’t seem to stop him. He kicks British Chris in the head, but only gets
part of Miguel’s shoulder spit on him in response.)
shirt at the concert.
claws at Miguel’s stomach until he tears it open and pulls out intestines.
Miguel looks down at his stomach.)
shock. Meanwhile, Chris is running over to get one of the rifles. He realizes
that he’s going to have to kill a couple of people. Then he sees the duffle
bag. He remembers his plan before things went so bad. He has one other possible
hope. He grabs the Mr. Pibb and slowly approaches the two cannibals.)
something to wash that down.
and pours it in Brian’s mouth, watching to make sure that Brian doesn’t take
off his hand in the process. Brian’s face turns instantly sour and he spits up
the soda on Miguel’s intestines. Miguel’s dead body randomly jerks from the
last of his brainwaves, as if in protest of being vomited on again. And on cue,
the vomiting starts. Brian starts a 2-minute vomit journey like the one Chris
British Chris’s distraction from the meal at hand (and the hand that he was
making a meal of) to pour a Mr. Pibb down the British man’s throat. His face
turns instantly sour and the vomiting starts. The camera cuts to an aerial shot
and pulls slowly away from the scene of the two men vomiting all over the
corpse as an extremely good looking long-haired man watches in disgust.
WELL, BRIAN AND CHRIS’S APARTMENT – MORNING
of cereal. The cereal in his bowl has long sense gone soggy. Brian walks into
that we had a great time last night.
brief moment and then throws the soggy cereal across the room against the wall.
Brian pinches between his eyes as the bowl spins loudly on the floor, finally
settling after what seems like forever.)
you after I blacked out, I apologize.
the long hair, I might have…
some sort of bad PCP laced X-tacy or something through skin contact with some
girl. Everything that happened after that was horrible.
off? You don’t remember the bear?
douche bag. Listen Chris, I’m sorry I don’t remember anything; but to be fair,
Miguel must have been just as fucked up, because he says he doesn’t remember
much of anything either.
insensitive prick. You and that British douche bag ate him.
do have a terrible aftertaste in my mouth.
had a bad dream, because I just spoke to Miguel in the bathroom. He was on the
toilet reading something about George Lucas.
the chair to the floor.)
you’re still hallucinating, because this disrespect of the dead…
Miguel’s alive on the toilet. He smells like he crapped out something dead, but
Brian’s shoulder with his own.)
guy was a douche bag.
find Miguel reading, “I’m an Atheist Unless George Lucas is God.”)
pulls his shirt over his mouth.)
night. Neither me nor Brian can remem…
ate you after getting hold of some bad drugs.
intestines were mealtime.
remembering for you. You’re dead.
these last couple of paragraphs, and I’ll explain in my bedroom.
and waits. Miguel walks in.)
Anyway, you can’t tell Brian this, ok?
clone of whoever you want as long as you have some of their DNA. The clone will
eventually dissolve into thin air, but it lasts long enough to send to work if
you don’t feel like going.
a part of the Industrial Light and Magic Fan Club.
Ledbetter” all over again.
the Post Office, I only ever use my one free clone a month when Brian gets it
in his head to go “do something fun.” Normally, when it comes home, I question
it before it dissolves. I fell asleep early, so I figured it must have already
look of minor shock on his face.)
sorry you had a horrible evening. Is there anything I can do to make it up to
CHRIS: Yeah, next time Brian wants to “do something
fun,” the clone that is going along is going to be mine.