Are You Ready for Some Sports Ball?

by Chris McGinty of

I’m not into sports. They bore
me. Except that’s not entirely true. I enjoy playing sports. I haven’t played
anything with any real frequency for years, but playing is fine. There are
social situations where I can sit in front of a screen and watch what people do
with a ball, but if I’m on my own I just won’t sit down and watch sports.

In 2018, everybody was all like, “Hey,
the Super Bowl was super boring this year,” and this boggled my mind, because it’s
a sport. The teams play each other. They try to keep the other team from
scoring and they try to score. They aren’t there to let touchdowns get through so
that you can yell at the TV and high five your friends.
I looked up the game on YouTube,
and I told myself I was going to watch it a couple of minutes at a time just to
see if I thought it was significantly more boring than it normally is. I didn’t
even get to the start of the game. I just really didn’t care.
I kept trying to tell people that
there was the possibility for a dangerous precedent from complaining about how
entertaining the “big game” was, which is that if they complain too much about
how entertaining the games are, they will start scripting the games. When I
would point out that they have to play the game legitimately, meaning that they
can’t choose when a game is exciting, people would act like they didn’t
understand what I was saying. They would double down saying that it’s just
because it was the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl should be an exciting game.
Um, not if they’re playing
legitimately. It should be just as exciting as it legitimately played out. I
promise you I’m not exaggerating people’s confusion. Maybe I wasn’t explaining
it well, but people were genuinely upset that the game was boring, and they can’t
be if they want it to be real.
People don’t believe me, but I’ve
learned my lesson about not pointing things out like this just because they
seem a little farfetched. If I end up being right, I need to have it in
writing. Consider how much people pay to run ads during the Super Bowl. Someone
is going to suggest a couple of exciting plays to keep viewer interest if the
ratings start to slip. The league may not listen to the suggestion, but the
suggestion will happen.
Luckily, it’s unlikely that there
will be consistently boring games during the Super Bowl, but if it were to
happen and viewership were to start dropping, we could easily have another quiz
show style controversy. The Milli Vanilli of sports.
I think that it’s interesting how
much I know about the rules of sports. I don’t know who’s playing. I don’t know
any statistics. But I understand most of the rules. I even understand some of
the strategy. I don’t want to oversell this. I’d do a worse job at colour
commentary than Dennis Miller did. I’m just saying that for someone who has no
interest in watching these games, I know things.
I got to thinking about why this
might be, and the best answer I could come up with is that I did play some of
the sports as a kid, so I’ve retained some information. I believe that as an amateur
game designer I also have some valid reasons to understand what makes these
games work. I can follow a discussion on a radio show or a podcast when they’re
talking about rules issues or strategy debates, but when they start talking
about teams, players, statistics, and all that crap, I tune out.
In the late 90s, there were only
30 NFL teams and I owned a 30 sided die. I had the brilliant idea of rolling
randomly to see what order I ranked teams. I realize that this is absolute blasphemy
for some people who believe that you should be a diehard for your team, but I’ve
never had a team. I would just root for my dad’s team.
There was something interesting
though about having a list that I could decide who I was rooting for
consistently without having to worry about things like knowing who the teams
were and why I cared. Besides, there really aren’t very many uses for thirty
sided dice. The thirty sided die and the twelve sided die are like the Milli
Vanilli of dice.
The problem was that one year
they suddenly decided to add two teams to the NFL, and that threw everything
off. There were still ways I could have randomly figured it out, but the thirty
sided die was already complicated enough. There are now dice apps, and most of
them allow you to make custom dice. This means that I can actually use the app
to roll a thirty-two sided die and figure out what order I rank the teams this
I’m going to warn you though. All
three times that I did this, I immediately put the list away and didn’t care
anymore. In truth, I’m just going to root for my dad’s team regardless of what
my stupid list says. Unless I decide to do something as a topic for the blog, I
doubt this is going to have any relevance for me after I roll it up.
I’ve found an alphabetical list
of the teams by city name, and I’m going to start rolling the die. My rule was
to keep rolling until a number that isn’t assigned comes up. I think it would
probably be easier to round up to the next available slot, or down if there is
no available higher slot. This would mean that the list would always be decided
in 32 rolls. I think the reason I didn’t do that was that it felt weird that I
might roll a 22 later in the process and end up assigning it at position 5. I’m
going to go with the method that the number has to come up in the roll still,
but the other thought will be in the back of my mind if I ever do this again.
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
2. New Orleans Saints
3. Greenbay Packers
4. Atlanta Falcons
5. Miami Dolphins
6. Tennessee Titans
7. New York Giants
8. Denver Broncos
9. Pittsburgh Steelers
10. Kansas City Chiefs
11. San Diego Chargers
12. Minnesota Vikings
13. Washington Redskins
14. Detroit Lions
15. Buffalo Bills
16. Jacksonville Jaguars
17. Dallas Cowboys
18. San Francisco 49ers
19. Arizona Cardinals
20. Cincinnati Bengals
21. New York Jets
22. New England Patriots
23. Indianapolis Colts
24. Cleveland Browns
25. Houston Texans
26. Chicago Bears
27. Carolina Panthers
28. Oakland Raiders
29. Seattle Seahawks
30. Philadelphia Eagles
31. St. Louis Rams
32. Baltimore Ravens
I was starting to wonder if I was
ever going to roll a 1. By roll a 1, I mean touch the screen and have a 1 come
up. So there are my teams for the football season beginning in 2019. Now if
anyone asks me who I like in the game, I can go straight to the blog and find
out who I like.
Chris McGinty is a blogger who
loves football season, because he still delivers pizza. This means that there
are deliveries to take and tips to make… as long as he doesn’t explain to the
potential tipper how he chose his favourite team.

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