by Chris McGinty
For some reason, I keep going back to the “What If…” well (which I guess means app?) searching for those deep, meaningful questions, but I keep walking away with… well. Do you know what I think it is? I think that normal prompt questions tend to be a bit dull. What are five things you’d like to learn if you went to college? Um, how to ditch class and still get an A, how to have deep, meaningful discussions with my classmates that may or may not result in sexual relations, and… oh, I don’t know, how to ignore boring prompt questions. And that’s why I turn to “What If…” the app that dares to ask questions that most certainly can never be considered boring or coherent. If you want to see the past questions I’ve answered, go here. Let’s see what the app has provided me with this time.
you are twice as attractive.
every Friday you are transformed into an equally attractive person of the opposite gender.
Yes or no?
What a dull question. I don’t see any down side to this whole thing. Does the transformation hurt somehow? This question might as well read what if you had cool, groovy, goodness but then you had to have slightly quirky, cool, groovy, goodness as well. Even 69% of the people on the app said yes to this, and the other 31% are probably feminists who believe they’d be forever tainted if they ever had one that wasn’t attached to a strap. I mean, I guess being twice as attractive might help with some of those deep, meaningful discussions with my classmates… how to not overuse adverbs! That’s something I’d like to learn in college. What was I saying?
Now that I think about it, there might actually be an unforeseen issue to this. Have you seen me? I’m pretty much irresistibly attractive anyway. I’m not sure that the world could handle so much beauty from one person. I can tell by the way that everyone seems too nervous to flirt with me and tell me I’m cute that my current attractiveness is already overwhelming.
I mean, have you ever seen such wondrousness? And have you ever tried spelling wondrousness? It’s not as intuitive as you might think.
I think I’m going to have to go no on this one then for the sake of all those people who see me and seem to grimace and scowl; although, I know that’s just their defense against how much they want to kiss my lips and play with my hair. You know that there are even those who have pretended to others that they don’t find me attractive. What about those people? There may actually be something to this though. If I was twice as attractive, but the number of people who said that they found me attractive didn’t double then we would have incontrovertible evidence that those naysayers were lying. Haters gonna hate you know.
I really hope he doesn’t actually believe all this crap about how amazing he is. He’s ok. He’s no Benedict Cumberbatch though.
By the way, I made a joke about feminists earlier and it was one of those jokes where you use a little bit of stereotype for recognizability, a dildo reference for naughtiness, and the notion that they hate all men for meanness. I’m pretty sure it meets certain criteria to be a good joke, but I just want everyone to know that I don’t view people as stereotypes. I just waited a while to say this because it felt like anyone who rage quit this post after I said that should maybe be angry a bit longer. The truth is that I think it might be useful to live as another gender for part of your life. Never judge a man who becomes a woman on Fridays until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes or her heels if you’re walking on Friday and all that.
I think the biggest problem is that you’d have to live a double life. You’d have to show up to the club late on Thursday night as your alternate gender and make sure that you kick out anyone you picked up well before… wait. I just realized something.
Here I was thinking that this was one of the most straightforward questions I’ve ever seen on the “What If…” app, and the only flaw was the upside/upside thing, but now I see that it doesn’t say anything about transforming back. It says “every Friday you are transformed into an equally attractive person of the opposite gender” but nothing about transforming back on Saturday. It’s possible you might be male until Friday and then be female until the next Friday and that these changes would occur every Friday for the rest of your life. It also doesn’t say that you are a gender swapped version of yourself. That means that you might become twice as attractive as yourself, become someone else of the opposite gender who is equally attractive on Friday, and then the following Friday become the starting gender again but as a different person. This is truly freaky after all.
It’s sad how far into this post I was – this post where I’m over thinking something that’s meant to be ridiculous – before I realized the significance of Friday.
I’m still going to say yes though. Maybe after spending a week as Jaime Lee Curtis I’ll get a go at being Benedict Cumberbatch. Now that would be hot.
Chris Lee Cumberbatch is a blogger and a trans-person. In this case, a trans-person apparently means that after accepting the premise of this question he’s going to find himself as a different highly attractive person every week. Do me a favor though. If I ever turn into John F. Kennedy, somebody please shoot me in the head. And you thought the feminist joke was going to be the one that got me cancelled.