by Chris McGinty
It was his first job after starting his cleaning service and he was already facing certain death. He had simply moved a cat carrier behind a set of boxes and a pizza monster raised up from its lair and attacked. His cleaning sensei had warned him about taking on a hoarder’s house before being properly trained, but he didn’t listen. Now, he was facing off against a half eaten dinner that had fallen behind a stack and turned into a mindless, hungry creature.
He grabbed a broom and ran it through. It didn’t seem to slow the creature down. He grabbed the six pairs of scissors he’d found, considered the fact that it was six pairs, but not twelve weapons, and started throwing them at the undead Italian cuisine. It barely even damaged it. He was going to die at the hands of his favourite food gone wrong.
There had to be a pizza cutter in the kitchen. There was actually four pizza cutters, but the one he found proved to be enough, as he sliced the pizza monster it started to cook itself as though the pizza cutter was a holy weapon, which in this case it probably was.
The pizza monster dwindled with each slice and soon he found himself out of breath, lying on the floor next to a grease elemental in its death throes. He thought to himself that he would revisit his sensei and learn the true ways after this job was done. But unfortunately, thirty minutes later he was bit by a raccoon in a laundry hamper and he died of rabies.
Chris McGinty is a flash fiction writer who spent New Year’s Eve cleaning house.