by Chris McGinty
Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment (“a glutton” is a two word phrase that I thought was a one word phrase until I made the connection of gluttony as a deadly sin). For some reason, I keep going back to the “What If…” app looking for those truly thought-provoking philosophical questions. Instead, I get questions always asking about my sex life, and who with, and how many times.
Not really. Song quote. You might get it later.
So what’s the latest sex related question:
What if…
you got to have sex with anyone.
But…
anyone got to have sex with you.
Yes or no?
I’m just an app, but I’m already feeling kind of queasy about this question.
Normally, I’m really quick to point out the limits of phrasing in this app, and I’m going to have to do it again to answer this question. The problem with the phrasing of this question is that it’s rape/wish fulfillment all rolled into one. As phrased, this is a hard no for me. That’s hard as in I wouldn’t waver on my decision, not that I would have a hard time saying no because it makes me so hard… you get my point. Well, maybe you don’t, because I answered with a hard no. The only way that I could see the phrasing of this working is if you got to have sex with anyone who was willing and happy to have sex with you, but that wouldn’t be the same question, would it?
I don’t want to presume the worst about the questioner though. There could be an innocent explanation for this thought process. There are shy types out there who fear rejection. It’s a nice fantasy, being attractive to everyone, so that you just kind of get your pick. I hate to say it, but most advertising is built around this very premise. If you use our product, you’ll have an edge that others don’t. There’s still a phrasing issue though. There’s a huge difference between smelling good and cult leader style mind control power over others.
70% of the people said no to this question. Maybe some of them picked up on the issue with the phrasing. Then again, I’m not sure how many people who use this app over think the phrasing. I might be the special kind of dumb that’s required to not just click yes or no for an hour straight, get bored, and go binge watch something on Netflix. So maybe people saw the problem with the question, but it’s possible that it’s because of the second part of the question.
I like going dancing at the gay clubs from time to time. I’m not there to pick anyone up though, because contrary to popular belief, I’m not into men sexually. If I said yes to this question, I would have to stop going to the gay clubs, because I can think of at least three times that I would have had to go home with someone who just wasn’t my type. If I’m ever going to sleep with a man, he should at least be kind of hot. You know, Pete Burns before the botched plastic surgery hot.
Dead or Alive – Come Home with Me, Baby
Or at least Adam Ant hot.
Adam Ant – Desperate, But Not Serious
See? I told you that you might get it later.
Speaking of might get it later; here’s the basic problem with this question. If you change the phrasing of the first part to make sure that only people who want to sleep with you apply, you can simulate the entire question without having to worry about a screwed up Twilight Zone ending where the gremlin who you made this magical pact with tears off the wing of the plane while you’re joining the mile high club. What the hell am I saying? Why do I ever open this app?
How do you simulate this? Well, when it would be appropriate to discuss your sex life with someone, you let them know that if they wish to have sex with you that you are willing. This might happen during speed dating, for instance. “So what do you do for fun?” “Well, I have sex with anyone who wants to have sex with me.” “Well, I don’t. But I have an unattractive friend who might.” “Cool. Give him or her my number.” You might be having a lot of sex you don’t want, but eventually you’ll have sex with someone who you want to have sex with, and that’s practically what this question suggests… ok again, what the hell am I saying?
You know what? Don’t take any part of this as advice. It’s not advice I would ever give if I wasn’t trying to answer a question with a bad premise. No matter how I try to make it reasonable, it’s just not reasonable. Find someone through socially acceptable means who likes having sex with you and who you like having sex with, and just enjoy sex with that person. It’s easier that way. I think this is the same question that caused God to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah and write marriage laws into the Bible.
Chris McGinty is a blogger who feels like he needs a shower after this blog post. I feel all icky and bleh. I will use some of that body wash that will presumably make me seem ripped and toned and super attractive by just smelling good. Not because I believe that it will work to make me more attractive, but because advertising works to make the corporations rich. In a way, advertisers are appealing to our desire to get screwed, and then they’re screwing us.