A “What If” Question About Never Getting Fat

by Chris McGinty

Since replacing my phone awhile back, I’d neglected to install the “What If…” app, which is not to be confused with What’s App or the new porn app Nathan and I are going to create called What? I Fap… Although, “What If…” likes questions about sex so much, they might beat us to it. Get it? Beat us to it. Like they might pleasure us to… oh, nevermind.

Since your mind is clearly not in the gutter enough for a sex question, it’s lucky that the question that came up on “What If… was as follows:

What if…

you can never get fat


you are never hungry

My first instinct was to say yes because I don’t want to be fat, but that was only for a split second before I realized that the question seemed off. If you’re never hungry, how are you going to get fat? It felt like the question should be that you have an insatiable hunger, but you never get fat. Then you just get into the questions of feeling bloated because you eat too much while never gaining weight. This is different though. This is idealized anorexia.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Three paragraphs ladies and gentlemen! Three paragraphs before Chris’s thoughts get dark about a What If… question. It may be a record. We’re going to the judges. The judges have no idea. They say they don’t read Chris’s stupid What If… posts, so they don’t know. Back to you, Joe Rogan.

JOE ROGAN: Um, I didn’t realize that this UFC was the Un-Fat Challenge. I’m probably contractually not supposed to be here.

Ok, so back to the question. I like the part where you can never get fat. I have a dad bod at best, and I’ve always been able to maintain a reasonable weight. Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t while eating whatever I want. I’ve always attempted to maintain a reasonably healthy diet and stay at least a little active, because if I don’t I start gaining weight. I’ve always said that if I need to squeeze through a fence to take a shortcut, I want to be able to squeeze through the fence, so I try to stay fit. So let’s talk for a moment about staying fit.

OMG Chris, do we look like Pokemon Go? We didn’t say anything about walking from Dallas, Texas to Dallas, Victoria to hatch a witty answer egg. Speaking of eggs, wouldn’t you like to never crave for scrambled eggs with ketchup again. You know you’re not proud of that.

Once again, I’m lawyering the question, in spite of the app being limited in nature, but there is no promise of being fit in the question. You’re only certain to never be fat or hungry. I live in the US. I already have the certainty of never really being hungry. We eat because we’re bored in the US. We eat because we’re depressed in the US. In other countries they’re depressed because they don’t eat. I realize that had the setup of a Yakov Smirnoff joke, but It’s actually a very depressing statement. Good thing I already had breakfast, or I’d probably need a candy bar right now.

“Candy Bar” by NIAID is licensed under CC BY 2.0

This is the cure for all that ails you… and later it’s the cause of all that ails you. That’s some range.

To me, the biggest problem with this scenario is that I would have to schedule eating, because without a hunger indicator, I wouldn’t know when I haven’t eaten recently enough or when I’ve had enough to eat. If I’m going to go through the hassle of scheduling eating, I might as well eat right and with the right portions, and then I’ll stay skinny anyway just because I’m a relatively active person.

By the way, 70% of the people chose “Yes” to this question. I guess the promise of not being fat is too tempting. I chose “No” because the trade off doesn’t seem reasonable when I’m already used to maintaining a lower weight. Maybe if I’m ever asked to star in “The Machinist 2.”

Chris McGinty is a blogger who just loves the idea of his own body using his muscle mass for energy. Or maybe this is just the introduction to the opposite sketches.

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